Bonjour. Si vous voulons me chercher, vous ĂȘtes venu au faux endroit.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
my mothers into this whole super-pissed-off, feel-like-shouting-at-the-least-thing-that-makes-her-mad mood right now.. well, not right now right now.. (shes watching tv now), but right now.. i used to feel really bad when somebody else gets screamed at and not me but i guess thats over. right now i dont really care.. you dont bother me, i dont bother you.. if you go kinda overboard in bothering someone else, ill put in my two cents worth, but thats that. i am so not going into emotional turmoil because of it.. anyways. i really dont get why we should expect so much from our maids.. or whatever politically correct term you want to call them cos i cant think of a better name right now.. i dont see why anyone should be expected to be on call 24/7, and get used to the running of a completely alien household in a week or so, remembering all the thousand little details that dont have to be done just right, but not.. wrong.. and for a couple of hundred dollars, no matter how lowly educated you are, wherever you come from.. ah, anyways, shell probably say.. who am i to say, im not the one paying the salary..
You know how some people, I'm not sure which people, say that something that happens on one part of the planet can make something else happen on another part of the planet? Usually, I think, they mean some kind of geological event, but I'm sure that my mother's silent raging against the simplisticness of this town and her church could produce avalanches, typhoons and earthquakes all over the world. But there is a kindness here, a complicated kindness. You can see it sometimes in the eyes of people when they look at you and don't know what to say. Wehn they ask me how my dad is, for instance, and mean how am I managing without my mother. Even Mr. Quiring, the teacher I am disappointing on a regular basis, periodically gives me a break. Say he knows things must be a little difficult at home. Offers to give me extensions, says he's praying for us. I don't mind. A Complicated Kindness by Miriam Toews
maybe theres a little hope in this crazy world of ours afterall..
10:54 pm
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
my parents have somehow gotten into the mood of digging out old stuff, rooting through them, reminiscing about random stuff.. for my parents, this is really an amazing event. i read somewhere that you can categorize people into past-people, present-people and future-people based on where their focus in life lies.. i figure id fit into the past-oriented section, just judging by the amount of stuff i keep stuffed somewhere around and refuse to let go of.. old shirts, old books (which i no longer have any use for but like to have them around to remind me of the circumstances under which i came to own them), old worksheets, old notebooks (even those i barely touched), old letters (yes i like to be reminded of old friendships), and so on.. my parents i figure would be between the present and future, with my dad being more intense than i mum, i think.. i dunno, maybe it depends.. to have them dig up stuff out of the store room is not an every day event.. and so is hearing exclamations of "oh my gosh gail look at you!" and to my absolute horror and dismay, i look up to see an extremely dated photo of me when i was just a toddler bumbling around looking incredibly retarded.. its embarrassing.. maybe one day ill look at photos of myself right now and be terribly horrified by my present self.. but still..... *tries to keep my eyes from rolling right out of my sockets* anyways. there was this aklung ensemble thingy from mi at the what-you-call-that.. i think its the foyer of esplanade.. and it gave me the happy-and-carefree feeling that listening to chinese music gives me.. and im like thinking.. omg, this is anklung! little pieces of wood fitted together, no less! how can they make me feel so happy! argh! but anyways, it was nice lah.. a bit tacky the fusion thing, but still... i think maybe the blood of the ancient chinese hill-men grows strong my blood.. i really should have been born as a cave-woman on the brink of discovering civilisation.. then id be singing to the wilderness and to the moon every day.. know what im thinking now? gail, just shut up, youre talking rubbish. go write a fantasy story instead..
I went back into my bedroom and knelt at my bed the way I did when I was a kid. I folded my hands and pressed the top knuckle joints of my thumbs hard into my forehead. Dear God. I don't know what I want or who I am. Apparently you do. Um... that's great. Never mind. You have a terrible reputation here. You should know that. Oh, but I guess you do know that. Save me now. Or when it's convenient. We could run away together. This is stupid. What am I doing? Iguess this is a prayer. I feel like an idiot, but I guess you knew that already, too. My sister said that god is music. Goodbye. Amen. I lay in my bed and waited for that thick, sweet feeling to wash over me, for that unreal semi-conscious state where the story begins and takes on a life of its own and all you have to do is close your eyes and give in and let go and give in and let go and go and go and go. A Complicated Kindess by Miriam Toews
11:27 pm
Monday, November 27, 2006
you know, whats the point of having sisters if they dont help you out in times of need.. like... now. i am trying to present myself to a mother of this kid who needs tuition and heres how its coming along: Although I have no formal teaching experience, I am patient and focused, and will do my best to help him improve. okay, yes. snort in laughter. fine, whatever.. it could have been worse okay.. in place of the "focused" was fun-loving.. and "will do my best to help him improve" was originally "if the child is willing to learn, i am sure he will improve". yesyes i know, uber-cheesy.. and totally overly flattering.. i too feel like laughing.. but my sister, being of absolutely no value on the help-o-meter scale, described me as wierd when asked for better adjectives.. and actually says that thats being patronising already.. talk about being a helpful sister.. that barely tips the scale by, lemme see... 0.01 millemeters? talking about being wierd.. there was this weird ang moh on the bus who stood next to me today and made all sorts of really weird sounds.. as if im supposed to turn around and start taking notice of him and tell him hes hot or something.. the wierdities on earth knoweth no bounds. i dont even know why i was standing in the first place.. the bus was so empty.. anyways anyways anyways.. just got back around 24 hours ago from none other than our beloved neighbour malaysia.. seeing all those relatives again was quite an.. interesting experience.. i never knew my mother could gossip so well with the rest of the aunties.. and i think my grandfather was kind of pleased with the way they got along with each other.. not that i could tell from his facial expression.. he only seems to have one.. but anyway. my dad comes from a family of practical jokers.. all the males, at least.. wonder where the funny streak came from.. maybe its from whiling away all those hours spent without "healthy" and "educational" toys.. all designed to make your child more intelligent in some way or another.. and the females.. theyre all really hardworking and i dunno, really nice people.. and umm, make good aunties. but it was kinda awkward and yes, sad to say but, rather sad.. at the end of the birthday lunch all the grandchildren gathered round.. (well including me of course) and they played the birthday song.. everybody was lip synching and trying to clap along.. well, not everybody.. and the birthday song just went on and on and on and on and...... yeah you get the picture.. its really sad because.. i dunno, seems to be the climax of a birthday party, especially one spanning four generations, taking up four tables, with i-dunno-how-many-courses, would be the cake cutting, right? and there we were, some still valiantly continuing the lip shynching, slightly more than some continuing the hand-clapping motions, albeit rather half-heartedly.. and all wondering what on earth happens next.. well at least i was.. anyways. i guess he managed to achieve what he really wanted huh.. or at least what i think he wants.. which is to see all this motley crew of a family all gathered together and getting along with one another.. well maybe not everyone.. but enough i guess.. thank goodness i wont have to endure another of these hello-goodbye things until february next year, or whenever chinese new year decides to arrive.. meeting all these people youre related to but yet cant remember their correct saltutations, or who theyre married to, or whose kids they are.. is always a bit.. traumatising, for me.. even though i know the feeling of not being able to match name to face is rather mutual.. im glad i survived this year..
There is, though i do not know how there is or why there is, a sense of infinite peace and protection in the glittering hosts of heaven. There it must be, I think, in the vast and eternal laws of matter, and not in the daily cares and sins and troubles of men, that whatever is more than animal within us must find its solace and its hope. I hope, or I could not live. The Island of Dr. Moreau by H. G. Wells
10:04 pm
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
i tell you, i should have been born fifty years ago. or maybe even earlier than that.. maybe i would have been a farmer or something, and it wouldnt have mattered.. i wouldnt even know any better, would i? it would be just me, the sun, the stars, my backbreaking work (dunno, always thought farming sounded rather tough) and the big huge silence all around.. and of course, whatever small family i happened to have.. or maybe, big family. they had big families in those days.. yesterday i stoopidly went all the way to school because i thought i had a lesson, which was actually today, but then i didnt read the thing carefully enough.. anyways, it wasnt all for nothing.. i luckily managed to snag a lovely ride home.. it was one of those non-airconditioned buses, probably due for scrapping in one or two years time.. and the bus was rather empty.. i could almost imagine myself going back in time, back when the streets werent crowded, the people not in such a hurry to get somehere.. anywhere. just breathing in the sunny air, the occasional breeze messing up my hair (not that i think it needed much help getting messy in the first place), looking at the things passing me by, and just.. being. the grass so green, so alive. what wouldnt i give to be a blade of grass, simply soaking up the suns rays.. all the thylakoids and the electrons getting all excited.. and together with all the other blades of grass in my field we'll cry: oh the sun, the sun! the glorious sun! okay okay, i couldnt resist it, the part about the thylakoids and the electrons and whatnot haha. and being just a blade of grass, i would rejoice in knowing that all my world lived for the sun, soaking up its lovely rays.. sure, id get stepped on, or plucked out maybe, or even shat on by some animal without a responsible owner.. but id get over it. grasses always do.. remember the chinese text in primary school? the one about how the grass gets burnt off or something, but grows again next spring because of the deep roots? yeah. haha! i knew all those years werent good for nothing.. anyways, took a walk back home today.. havent done that in a long long time.. back when i was still indulging in teenage angst and all that.. it was so.. i dunno.. magical? i could almost imagine away the pollution and the loudness of the traffic.. somehow it feels like if i tried to place a word on it, it would be inadequate.. whats more, it would spoil the whole thing.. i was just thinking: ah, this is what holidays are for.. and then my phone rang. of the horror of modern technology. yes, it lets me get from one place to another really quickly. yes, it allows me to communicate with people more effortlessly than i would have believed possible.. but in this case, no i do not want to be communicated with in such ease.. i came back down to earth with a *thump* and a *kethunk*. owch my knees still hurt from the impact.. i wonder if ill contue growing after this.. im pretty sure my growth plates were damaged pretty badly.. yes, for all the wonders of the holidays, i still have to come back down to earth. my table needs sorting.. you have no idea how many times ive told myself to just get over and done with.. ive only made a dent in the pile of papers.. its pathetic, i tell you.. and i still need to do some serious, and may i say, long overdue studying.. so that i wont continue failing next year.. and yesyesyes, theres still that long long list of things i wanted to do during this holidays.. looks like my slacking days are coming to an end..
i know im not a religious sort of person.. man, thinking about it, i havent been to church for nearly two years now.. not really.. you cant count the time i went on impulse when nobody was there, simply walked around and soaked in the silence and thought about what could have been.. i mean, i believe that theres a god and all.. but how do you know if the god you call your god is really God? and how do you know that all youve done can be forgiven just like that? nothing is so easy. at least, i cant bring myself to believe it.. i dont even know why i even try sometimes.. nobody would wanna love me unconditionally if they knew all of me.. all you have are pieces.. reflections.. gosh, i wouldnt love unconditionally.. except that im me, and i guess thats that.. i guess thats why its called faith.. but dont act all so godfearing and tell me that i have to go to church when you were simply sunday-christians until things went wrong.. sigh, but anyway,
Jesus take the wheel Take it from my hands Cause I can't do this on my own I'm letting go So give me one for chance Save me from this road I'm on Jesus take the wheel
pride pride pride.. too much of it and too little of.. other things. stupid five-letter word that is more than just a word.. oh wells, if you happen to think you have the answers to any of the above questions, you could try enlightening me.
10:33 pm
i tell you whats brilliant. this is.. its from White Oleander by Janet Fitch. love it.
Dear Astrid, Don't tell me how you hate your new foster home. If they're not beating you, consider yourself lucky. Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way. Moo.
and who are we to expect more?
12:44 am
and the worst part of it is knowing that theres nobody to blame.. not really.. everyone has their reasons..
can you imagine, this is my ninetieth post. how.. uninteresting. youd think one year on id have grown a bit more imaginative or something.. all i have is a few random thoughts skittering across the surface of my consciousness. brilliant, really.
12:12 am
Sunday, November 12, 2006
theres a funny "piano competition" going on in my block. two of my downstairs neighbours sound like theyre trying to see which of them can play longer.. or maybe faster, i dunno.. its amazing how we all manage to play the same few pieces when we're young.. maybe i should join them hahaha.. i remember when da changjin was still showing on tv for the first time, then there was this violin playing one of the songs from the show.. i was so excited i went and plucked out the erhu (which i still have.. im just to embarrassed to return it cos its been so long and plus, the string which i rebroke the day i fixed it still hasnt been replaced..) anyways, yes i took it out and played the changjin song too.. hahaha my whole house thought i was crazy. they couldnt stand my erhu playing.. still cant. as you can see, writing my essay has done miserable things to me.. trying to squeeze words out of my inactive brain is proving to be a slow and painful process crawling along at snails pace.. haha, reminds me of a rhyme in my sisters book which they simply love cos it apparently fits me to a T. "gail, gail, slow snail." and dont ever get them started on the australian pizza boy *ahem* "joke" either.. its awful, i tell you..
1:03 pm
Saturday, November 11, 2006
im getting this headache which tells me that ive been staring for too long at the computer and i should engage in some physical activity.. but who cares. the physical activity part doesnt sound too attractive..
ps. did you know i even have a cup which says "Another entire day wasted online" ? hahaha
6:11 pm
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
oh my gosh chinese music rocks my socks.. like totally.
11:49 pm
i was trying to clear out the inbox of my phone the other day, and the modal message type went something like this... gail where are you??? and i figured i must really be a very lost person indeed. haha oh wells, my math tutors messages rather tickled me. a typical one would go... gail when are you coming? and after assurances that i would appear sometime in the near future, his reply would be: Ok. with the capital O. always. doesnt he ever get bored with that two-lettered word? anyways. im gonna [try to] crash yngwie malmsteens concert on thursday.. oh wait a minute thats tomorrow.. oh darn it i havent thought of a strategy yet.. anybody wanna come with me? :)
9:52 am
Thursday, November 02, 2006
i totally canNOT believe i have just donated like dunno how many hours of my life to the watching of a serial show. and i canNOT believe that some part of me does not regret it.. not all of me, but enough to wonder if my sanity is at risk.. i tell myself: this is retarded, girl. what on earth is so interesting about the completely absurd and out-of-this-world love life of this bunch of people running around chasing each other in circles.. well, not literally lah.. but does this "telling myself" work? heh, i guess not.. i mean, look at me.. still blinking my eyes from the extended glare of the television screen.. but oh well, to the person who pampers me at her house: it was fun! sigh sigh sigh. you know what, as if its any surprise but, ive decided that 70 books by the end of the years is simply not gonna work. as i have proven time and again, i seem to be highly incapable of sticking to a task for extended periods of time.. i need a.. nagger.. and even then... hehehe need i say more? oh wells anyways, i realised that tempting as it may seem, living my life in a fantasy world where everything is generally as i would like it to be (well, i dont get to choose the story in the book, but i do get to choose the book dont i?) for the better part of the holidays is only gonna result in me getting a huge culture shock at the start of the next school year.. and well, (as my parents would not-so-gently remind me) that i would start the year still behind.. *pouts* oh what would the younger me say.. if i brought back the primary school, or even secondary school me back to life, id say i would have to be sorely disappointed at what ive turned out to be.. little kids, being kids, have the ability to dream.. being on this earth for a shorter time, they are still filled with the illusion that anything is possible and that things will somehow turn out for the better no matter how bad they might seem at the moment.. oh, the happy days of childhood bliss.. sigh.. i guess we all sorta.. "grew up". the seven year old me would be mortified at my lack of concern for the things going on in school.. the slightly older me would be thinking im crazy.. oh come on, youre giving up reading for.. for.. this so-called attempting to study?! the not-so-long-ago me would be wondering in dismay at me at me not caring about my friends as much.. well, i mean, if you have a problem and you need help with it, sure, id be more than happy to help.. but i guess ive stopped making other peoples problems mine and thats that. its too tiring.. anyways, i guess in a way those opinions are all valid.. its really nice to feel the cool air blowing past you skating round and round on the rink.. and to feel the wind in your hair while on the swing.. it makes me feel young again.. did i tell you they just installed swings and a new playground in my condo? i could almost imagine myself away to this faraway plantation or something where there are trees allover and life slows to a crawl.. the plantation part i can imagine.. on one side of the playground is part of the bukit timah forest (i think, haha!) but the carefree life a bit hard lah.. the rubbered floor beneath my feet is reminder enough that even childs play has been finetuned to a science.. *grumbles* oh wells anyways, come on over everyone and play on my new playground, though its still under construction, sorta.. we can always climb under the stuff they put up to keep people out.. (dunno what to call it.. fencing? netting? :/) AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I STILL WANNA GO WWW! *POUTS* oh wells i guess its time to shut myself up.. i just dont wanna stick my head full of chinese stuff.. even if it is for the last time.. (hopefully. )
9:30 pm
gail.
loves anything new
gets caught up in causes, events, loves
but doesn't do anything about them.
professes to be a supporter of the green movement
but leaves the lights on
disapproves of mcdonalds
but eats there anyways.
godwise, the jury's still out.
schoolwise, fass rocks my socks
but why do i have like a ton of work to do?
familywise, i guess theyre/its great
we just need to figure out what to do around each other?
freindswise, hey you guys are awesome.
blogwise, realises that the profile section is crappy
but doesn't know how else to fill up the space.