Bonjour. Si vous voulons me chercher, vous êtes venu au faux endroit.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
i tell you, i should have been born fifty years ago. or maybe even earlier than that.. maybe i would have been a farmer or something, and it wouldnt have mattered.. i wouldnt even know any better, would i? it would be just me, the sun, the stars, my backbreaking work (dunno, always thought farming sounded rather tough) and the big huge silence all around.. and of course, whatever small family i happened to have.. or maybe, big family. they had big families in those days.. yesterday i stoopidly went all the way to school because i thought i had a lesson, which was actually today, but then i didnt read the thing carefully enough.. anyways, it wasnt all for nothing.. i luckily managed to snag a lovely ride home.. it was one of those non-airconditioned buses, probably due for scrapping in one or two years time.. and the bus was rather empty.. i could almost imagine myself going back in time, back when the streets werent crowded, the people not in such a hurry to get somehere.. anywhere. just breathing in the sunny air, the occasional breeze messing up my hair (not that i think it needed much help getting messy in the first place), looking at the things passing me by, and just.. being. the grass so green, so alive. what wouldnt i give to be a blade of grass, simply soaking up the suns rays.. all the thylakoids and the electrons getting all excited.. and together with all the other blades of grass in my field we'll cry: oh the sun, the sun! the glorious sun! okay okay, i couldnt resist it, the part about the thylakoids and the electrons and whatnot haha. and being just a blade of grass, i would rejoice in knowing that all my world lived for the sun, soaking up its lovely rays.. sure, id get stepped on, or plucked out maybe, or even shat on by some animal without a responsible owner.. but id get over it. grasses always do.. remember the chinese text in primary school? the one about how the grass gets burnt off or something, but grows again next spring because of the deep roots? yeah. haha! i knew all those years werent good for nothing.. anyways, took a walk back home today.. havent done that in a long long time.. back when i was still indulging in teenage angst and all that.. it was so.. i dunno.. magical? i could almost imagine away the pollution and the loudness of the traffic.. somehow it feels like if i tried to place a word on it, it would be inadequate.. whats more, it would spoil the whole thing.. i was just thinking: ah, this is what holidays are for.. and then my phone rang. of the horror of modern technology. yes, it lets me get from one place to another really quickly. yes, it allows me to communicate with people more effortlessly than i would have believed possible.. but in this case, no i do not want to be communicated with in such ease.. i came back down to earth with a *thump* and a *kethunk*. owch my knees still hurt from the impact.. i wonder if ill contue growing after this.. im pretty sure my growth plates were damaged pretty badly.. yes, for all the wonders of the holidays, i still have to come back down to earth. my table needs sorting.. you have no idea how many times ive told myself to just get over and done with.. ive only made a dent in the pile of papers.. its pathetic, i tell you.. and i still need to do some serious, and may i say, long overdue studying.. so that i wont continue failing next year.. and yesyesyes, theres still that long long list of things i wanted to do during this holidays.. looks like my slacking days are coming to an end..
i know im not a religious sort of person.. man, thinking about it, i havent been to church for nearly two years now.. not really.. you cant count the time i went on impulse when nobody was there, simply walked around and soaked in the silence and thought about what could have been.. i mean, i believe that theres a god and all.. but how do you know if the god you call your god is really God? and how do you know that all youve done can be forgiven just like that? nothing is so easy. at least, i cant bring myself to believe it.. i dont even know why i even try sometimes.. nobody would wanna love me unconditionally if they knew all of me.. all you have are pieces.. reflections.. gosh, i wouldnt love unconditionally.. except that im me, and i guess thats that.. i guess thats why its called faith.. but dont act all so godfearing and tell me that i have to go to church when you were simply sunday-christians until things went wrong.. sigh, but anyway,
Jesus take the wheel Take it from my hands Cause I can't do this on my own I'm letting go So give me one for chance Save me from this road I'm on Jesus take the wheel
pride pride pride.. too much of it and too little of.. other things. stupid five-letter word that is more than just a word.. oh wells, if you happen to think you have the answers to any of the above questions, you could try enlightening me.
10:33 pm
gail.
loves anything new
gets caught up in causes, events, loves
but doesn't do anything about them.
professes to be a supporter of the green movement
but leaves the lights on
disapproves of mcdonalds
but eats there anyways.
godwise, the jury's still out.
schoolwise, fass rocks my socks
but why do i have like a ton of work to do?
familywise, i guess theyre/its great
we just need to figure out what to do around each other?
freindswise, hey you guys are awesome.
blogwise, realises that the profile section is crappy
but doesn't know how else to fill up the space.
