Saturday, January 13, 2007

my brain feels like i havent talked enough for today.. and since nobody in the house is awake enough to carry on a conversation and talking in my head gets me nowhere sometimes, so here i am.. you know i think i need some mental therapy.. nono not the kind you go to a shrink for.. but like sorta mental excercises kind.. i have a feeling some (if not most) of the nerves/brain cells up there have atrophied.. either that or ive progressed really far down the aging cycle.. sometimes i pick up something and wonder what i needed it for in the first place.. or i walk into a room and think what did i want to do here? its scary, okay.. im supposed to be young and with the rest of my life wonderfully laid out in front of me, red carpet or no.. and i also cant seem to concentrate and stick with one thing for extended periods of time.. its like everything (okay not everything, but many things) is mildly interesting and sort of important, but i just concentrate on it/them.. i just cant find that one thing which i can pour my energies into.. instead im flitting from thing to thing and finally earmarking each and every one of them for: later. *grumbles* smart ideas, anyone? i thought maybe i should go excercise regularly or something.. according to my parents it helps the bloodflow, but how that affects the brains im not too sure.. i remember last time when i was in sec one when i was in the squash team thingy.. okay not team lah, it was kinda like training squad.. which i dropped out of after a year but anyways.. i remember i felt kinda uhh, smart.. if thats even possible haha.. anyways since now im on this topic.. there was this one time when i was playing with this girl who eventually went to rg, i think it suited her much better, the environment.. and the ball was really really far away from me, like an unrunnable distance kinda far.. so i kinda leaped/stretched out my body towards it and just hit.. from the vibrations in the racket i could tell it wasnt gonna make it.. but then mr ong was like, thats what i call determination or sth like that, and the other girl was saying something too so i thought omg you mean it became a really low drop shot or sth?!? turns out the ball did reach the front wall, but just nice hit the tin (dunno how to spell).. got a bruise on my hip for a while, but i guess the feeling kinda compensated for it.. anyways, had a great time with squash.. it taught me alot, though i was never good at it.. i was thinking of starting to cycle to school everyday when school started.. but then one of the tyres on my bike is punctured, so no go.. (btw i got the bike when i was in p5, so thats how long the thing has been lying around..) yeah, i was also telling myself to sleep at eleven and wake up at six every day but so far that plan hasnt materialised.. apparently seven hours sleeping time gives you the longest life.. any longer or shorter than that shortens your life.. and eleven to six is the best cos its the time when your bone marrow is replacing your red blood cells.. or something like that..
anyways, i think id better be more grateful.. people who are more appreciative are usually happier people.. it gets those endorphins all fired up i guess.. so im making a list of ten things im thankful for so far this year.. so here goes, in no particular order.. okay there is, i guess.. its the order in which they pop into my head.. but thats not really much of an order so haha..
1) i have found the secret to my mothers happiness.. okay, not really.. but it is a start.. my mother, and i also think all middle aged working women with kids, experience insecurity in terms of where they stand with their kids and their husband and their work and so on and so on and all they want is to be heard and to be understood.. my dad doesnt help very much cos mainly hes going like "peace.. i just want some peace.. cant we have some peace" and im like uhh, thats not helping very much.. but of course i was careful not to point that out.. the two days he was away we managed to do some mother-daughter bonding *cringes at the term* when she fetched me home.. and the fetching home is also a rather rare, and also recent occurrence.. but anyways, it didnt matter how lame i was, or how oh-my-goodness-is-it-snowing-in-singapore-ishly friendly i was, all she wanted was to be listened to.. it also didnt matter that i wasnt an adult, and so couldnt really understand where she was coming from.. i guess i could, if i really tried.. but doing so would mean reminding myself that i could be a better daughter, so lets just stay here.. anyways, it did give me some kind of immunity when i got home.. its not that she doesnt still nag or anything.. but its more of a i-dont-wanna-do-this-but-im-your-parent-i-have-to-do-this-its-for-your-own-good weary kind of way.. and shes kinda happier, which definitely happier yay. haha im still experiencing some of the lingering (though fast-fading) effects even though my dads been back for a few days..
2) i guess im glad that im back in school.. enough said..
3) and i definitely am glad that im alive.. if not, i wouldnt be right here typing away at the keyboard, experiencing all that im experiencing now.. and knowing that theres more to come.. life isnt all as bad as it seems, you know.. its just that when things seem really bad, its only because your eyes are closed to the good things.. might as well make full use of it right.. why hurry yourself down to the next part of the journey? theres this story dunno whether you know it or not.. might be a bit wrong though.. used to have it on my wall but its a bit blurry now.. about this man who died and saw his whole life as a set of footprints on a long beach.. at some sections there were two sets of footprints, and he recognized the second set as gods.. then he noticed that the times there was only one set were the times when he felt the most hopeless and the most alone.. he felt really disappointed and cheated.. "God," he shouted, "when I was sad and alone, why were you not there?"
and God answered, "My son, that was when I carried you."
okay yes yes i know i kinda spoilt the story with my storytelling but i guess you get the idea.. whatever youre going through right now may seem like its really the end of the world, but trust me it will get better somehow.. god is carrying you right now, even if you dont feel/know it yet.. okay yes, i dont go to church, and i have my doubts as to whether the god i was brought up to believe in really is god.. but i think there is a god, only im not sure which is the right one.. im not an atheist.. not yet, anyways.. okay sorry didnt mean to be all preachy and all.. but it kinda just spilled out.. i didnt write this because of what you told me.. lets just get on with life, shall we? *extends a hand*
4) okay number four and im finding it hard already.. uhhh.. im really glad i was put into mg.. i didnt have a sister studying there, didnt have a mother who studied there, didnt belong to an affiliated church/organisation, didnt stay within the 2km radius, and basically didnt qualify for any of the earlier phases.. put simply, i balloted (well my parents did anyways, i didnt really get what was going on then) and i got in.. just like that.. and i guess the rest as they say, is history.. its been a wonderful ten years and though thats like more than half of my life right now so i cant really be a very good judge, i think thats a ten years of my life that i will never forget.. i used to think that those people who paid hundred dollars or more at those fundraising gala dinners were crazy.. but maybe sometime next time when im like super rich or something ill book a whole table and invite all my friends.. yes, for friendships made and pleasures shared.. any mg girls reading this right now? *hugs you like mad and simply squeezes the air out of you*
5) i think im fast exhausting the list of things i am really really grateful for.. so i think ill cut the list down to five.. lalaland is abeckoning anyway.. im really really glad im born as a normal human being.. and by normal i mean in medical terms.. no physical handicaps, no mental impairment, no degenerative diseases and so on.. i mean, yeah sure i feel like im a weird person when i talk to some people, but i can run! i can talk, i can stare at this computer screen, i can breathe without needing having air filtered into my lungs, i can sleep without the fear that i may never wake, and i can wake with the comfort that ill never be ostracized for not being like others.. (again by this i mean in a very basic kinda way) oh yes, i can hear..

Bonjour. Si vous voulons me chercher, vous êtes venu au faux endroit.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

1:49 am

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