Bonjour. Si vous voulons me chercher, vous ĂȘtes venu au faux endroit.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
rargh. i shall go to bed with no illusions that tomorrow will be in any way different from today.. or rather, today and yesterday, depending on how you see it.. take you pick.
3:11 am
you know what, ive come to a conclusion that after the end of this year, i will have nowhere to go.. noone to teach me.. nowhere will take me, at least.. i dont even know what i wanna do, really.. just nothing too brain-numbing, please.. i probably wont be able to do this for the rest of my life, but for now its like this language that i just. cant. understand.. two years is not enough.. it just makes me realise just how much i dont know.. and that kinda freaks me out.. imagine like if you lived in one of the magical spots which are the connections between this world and another.. on magical nights you can hear fairy laughter and goblinspeak.. you cant understand it, but its just so beautiful and you feel like you were born to speak it, to live in that other world.. but the thing is, you still cant understand it.. hmm okay maybe that sounds kinda raise-eyebrows-ish.. the born to speak it part.. ah oh wells.. what to do..
2:31 am
Friday, February 23, 2007
you know, i wanted to have this nice long ranty thing but after watching the music video thingy of greys anatomy with all their weepy people and all their nice oh-i-am-so-loved smiles.. maybe not.. i guess the worlds just a really complicated place.. hmm, yes.. not complicated as in complicated complicated.. but complicated complicated.. haha oh my, isnt that complicated.. yes, and complicated kindnesses really do happen in real life i think.. when i say its okay.. i mean its okay, you dont have to apologise.. its okay, these things happen from time to time.. its okay, its not your fault.. not all 100% of it at least.. its okay, things will get better someday, somehow.. really really.. its okay.. it really is.. you know i really felt like giving my math tutor a hug.. okay dont get the wrong idea or anything.. hes this big guy whos like waaaay taller than me and all.. i just wanted him to know that he isnt alone in the world.. (yes, even though i dont agree with the way he handles stuff) but how do you do that? ah oh wells.. the mind of a passive aggressive person... is a weird thing.. he uses emotional manipulation in such a subtle way that both himself and those around him dont actually realise that it is taking place.. he is afraid of showing positive emotions (too much of it, at least) for fear being seen as dependent on others for his own happiness.. when things go wrong as they always do, (murphys law, remember), he somehow always manages to maintain the morally right position and portrays himself as the victim.. he tries to hide grievances, avoids conflict, and as much as possible, maintain the status quo, all this while keeping things inside.. when things get too much to bear, (after a long long while), he tries to project this image of reasoning and cool-headedness, while trying to provoke a response from the other party.. all these things actually have a very reasonable path in his head.. perfectly justifiable.. really.. you know when i am with/watch/talk to people, i cant help but see myself in them.. okay not like every single second of the day lah.. that would be serious brainal overload already.. but how do you tell somebody you dont know very well that hey im happy for you.. like really really.. or how do you say that you understand and that persons not alone and stuff.. like really.. but thats impossible, unbelievable right? and so i guess i shall have to be content (unless somebody tells me of a better way) with stoning and staring and maybe occasionally smiling.. hahaha the three Ses.. yar i so i guess if you see me stoning you know what i mean.. or i could be really stoning stoning.. hahaha.. anyways you know what, my dads got a new car how cool is that.. and its a really cool car two.. you dont even need a key! you just press this on/off button just like a machine.. wait a minute, a car is a machine.. and you can somehow connect your phone to the car.. i have no idea what that is for, but sounds pretty cool anyways.. oh yar, and the cars really really silent from the inside.. nice.. does this sound kinda mountain-tortoise-ish? haha sorry lah.. its like a kid with a new toy.. correction, new expensive toy.. haha yay.
10:15 pm
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
aiyorr.. why do i get this urge to not go to school tmr.. :( i wanna stay at home with the lady of avalon.. btw i just saw this huge lizard crawl behind my piano.. its even bigger than my hand lah.. (not that my hands are very big *grumbles*) eww gross gross.. *tries not to the about it crawling around the inside* anyways, it is like so dumb if i go to school for two lessons and wait the entire day just to see my class.... and then go home. but then again, its not the number of classes, but what classes.. tmr has my interesting-er lesson lorh.. the only one which manages to make me laugh.. *tries not to roll my eyes at myself* somehow, school has lost its appeal, like, totally.. i mean, the people seem to be getting nicer.. either that or my brains changing.. the stuff we're doing can actually be kinda interesting.. but theres just no point to alot of it.. like: learn this, its important for your A levels.. must answer this way later cambridge dont accept.. like err, hello? whatever happened to learning for learnings sake.. studying for exams does force some stuff into my brains, but it takes the life out of the subject.. i mean, some things like bio for instance.. actually if you dont go for lectures or tutorials its not so bad as long as you have the notes and the model answers sort of things.. with enough force, and with enough time, all the stuff will be forced into your head.. its like inversely proportional.. more force, less time.. less force, more time.. it gets the job done, but its horrible this way.. isnt it better to learn at your own pace and learn what you want.. you may not remember all the nitty gritty details, but stuff goes in easier, and you get a broader picture of things.. i think.. aiyars how?
12:28 am
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
yay im back after a few days of soaking in the kampong vibe.. it was rather nice just bumming around and enjoying the whole uluatedness of the place.. but singapore is singapore.. and malaysia... is malaysia.. i always feel this feeling of relief mixed with happiness of some sort whenever i step back into changi airport, or when we drive past the singapore customs and down to the aye, or is it bke.. i know its definitely not pie though, hahaha.. as my dad will say, see lah, malaysian know singpaore roads better than singaporean. anyways, it wasnt too bad on the whole.. actually going back during chinese new year is better than going back during my grandfathers birthday.. cos the sons go back first.. then the daughters.. dont have to see everybody all at once.. haha, actually dunno what i was doing also.. dont think i saw all that many people.. all in all, YAY.
11:46 am
Saturday, February 17, 2007
hmm. this week has been a good week.. no. correction.. this week feels like a good week even though the events werent exactly what i would call good.. okay now after stoning for a while and thinking about alot of other stuff i kinda forgot where i was.. a-ny-ways.. it feels good to meet up with long-long friends.. you know how like sometimes you see people you used to know, or used to see every day, but then now its like youre so different cos somehow we all went our separate ways, whether by choice or because of circumstance.. and when i see these people, it just makes me really glad, like oh. my. gosh. it YOU! kinda thing.. even though we didnt really know each other all that well.. its just that its really really good to see them again.. then after the initial seconds of highly energetic greetings the pauses stretch into somewhat uncomfortable silences cos you have this impression of each other and you somewhat like the old memories that remain.. but you know its impossible that either of you would have stayed the same, and now youre so different that i dunno, youre almost scared to talk.. almost afraid to say something lest you find out that youve both changed into people who cannot understand each other any more.. have you ever felt like that? anyway, no matter.. im really really glad i met up with the mug groupers today.. and im even gladder that we had things to talk about, and we still can laugh at each others jokes and stuff.. as the song goes..
So if we get the big jobs And we make the big money When we look back now Will our jokes still be funny?
oh my gosh people, do you know how nice it is that we still can meet up and still i dunno, do stuff together.. and even though our mug group www outing is like postponed indefinitely and even though lots of other things.. its really great having all of you as friends.. lets continue meeting up okay.. i dont want it to become like my parents and their friends.. they only meet like once or twice a year.. im sorry im going on and on about this, i didnt mean to ramble so much.. but im just thinking of all the promises we made to keep in touch and to stay friends and blah blah.. and i think about how many of those have not been kept.. ten years is a long time.. really really long, especially when its more than half of your life.. i grew up in that place okay.. i cant adapt to living out of mg.. omg this really sucks.. its not like acs a bad place or anything.. i guess ill probably miss it too when i leave.. but half my life here is gone already.. i just wish i didnt go in with the expectation that it would be so different and all, maybe things would have been better.. yeah anyway. the awkward conversations with the teachers were kinda nice too.. sorta.. i never was a model student.. hmm and i guess never will be.. but it just felt good seeing them again.. never mind that the whole school looks familiar yet unfamiliar now.. sigh. anyways heres going out to those who i havent seen in months: yihui, yuanyu, michelle, vicky, and yes shyna too! man, those really were the days, all the crazy stuff we did; to those i havent seen in slightly less: the mug group: jessie, cla, yicai, abi, may.. long days (and nights) at kap, sushi time, cramming bio, all the little trips to cold storage, watching wang zi bian qing wa even though we were supposed to be studying (cla i still think he doesnt look good) whatever on earth happened to the original mug group.. jo chan, i wonder how she is.. yihui, yihui.. we used to go kap and talk for hours on end then it got less and less frequent and now, virtually nonexsistent? i really really hope shes doing okay, this old old friend of mine.. see lah this is what school does to you; to those whom i see every other day but in a school like ac sometimes it doesnt even make a difference: pedal point: adele, qiyi, yanny; and to all generations of mg girls, past, future, present, especially the class of 2005 (even though sometimes when i see these people im really speechless cos there really isnt anything to say.. im still working on the small talk thing).. its not the whole thing though.. thats kinda too long..
And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives Where we're gonna be when we turn 25 I keep thinking times will never change Keep on thinking things will always be the same But when we leave this year we won't be coming back No more hanging out cause we're on a different track And if you got something that you need to say You better say it right now cause you don't have another day Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down These memories are playing like a film without sound And I keep thinking of that night in June I didn't know much of love But it came too soon And there was me and you And then we got real blue Stay at home talking on the telephone We'd get so excited, we'd get so scared Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair And this is how it feels
As we go on We remember All the times we Had together And as our lives change Come Whatever We will still be Friends Forever
hmm, i think if i just read the lyrics like that its quite.. a bit lame lah.. but anyways.. moving on. yes. this week feels like a good week.. maybe its because im getting used to this whole 3-day school week thing.. i think... its awesome haha.. maybe in the future they should structure school so that its like three days go to school.. out of the three days of curriculum time, one third for tests/exams, the other two-thirds for teaching.. remaining two weekdays is for self-study and projects and elearning and stuff like that.. yay, i think id love school like that.. recently theres this brain block which causes my brain to switch off without warning.. its like i can even be thinking: omg yay i am actually paying attention! omg yay im actually learning something! the Na+ is pumped in and the K+ is pumped out (oh wait or is it the other way round) and the next thing i know is im stuck in the place between sleeping and waking.. and my note-taking either becomes non-exsistent or reduced to illegible scrawls in the edges of the paper.. i mean, if i try really hard id be able to somewhat guess what was written i guess.. but oh wells.. anyway, this week i managed to stay awake alot alot.. it must really be the three-day week thing.. and hurray cos next week is an official three-day week! :) anyways, going back to my jia xiang tomorrow.. oh wait, thats today already.. totally not looking forward to it.. three whole days of pure pure torture.. *groans* if only this kinda thing can take mc and excuse yourself one.. i would say i was sick, but knowing my grandfather we would probably take it personally or sth.. like he didnt do enough as head of the family or something.. urks..
12:38 am
Friday, February 09, 2007
yes, put me to sleep tonight so i may wake a better person..
whatever is good, whatever is pure, blow it in my ear, BFG..
1:36 am
Thursday, February 08, 2007
i was looking at the cny decorations aka hanging lights downstairs when i realised that i probably never noticed it but i saw the very same thing for the past dunno how many years i have lived here at during every major celebration thingy in singapore.. the last time would be new year, which probably was merged with the last last time, christmas.. and so on.. how uninspiring.. and to think i never noticed it.. i remember they did the bushes at the entrance with red during christmas.. dunno what they have there now.. ho hum.. anyways, there are two sets of coconut/palm tree lookalike that can see from up here.. i think the blue+yellow ones look nicer than the yellow+blue+red ones.. must have something to do with kandinskys blue converges while yellow diverges thingy.. anyways, the lights at the steps leading up to hume ave seem to have been repaired permenantly.. how sad.. i used to gumble (to myself) about them never working.. but now theyre on, i cant see the stars.. rarghrarghrargh. its really nice to see the stars.. if thats even possible in singapore.. last time when i took bus to mg there was always this star in the same place every single morning, just as the sun came to claim back the sky.. it was so pretty, the star.. i used to see it and think that it was smiling down at me haha.. and that it would be a good day.. then after a while i sorta took it for granted and forgot to look for it.. then when i finally did, it was gone.. maybe the earth shifted or something like that or the star died. :( anyways, did you know that theres such a thing as light pollution.. yesyes i know, when i first read i thought my eyes much be playing tricks on me or sth.. but apparently it can affect your sleep and your bodily functions and whatnot.. somewhere in the us theyre creating this light-free zone which stretches for miles and miles.. cos apparently if you even have one streetlamp on, the area illuminated is larger than you think.. cos its reflected off the ground, then off the next surface and so on and so on.. even though we cant see it its not good for us.. so i guess dont sleep with a night light on.. but exactly how it affects us i cant really remember, i read this thing dunno how many donkey years ago.. but anyways. just spare me a few seconds of your life.. stick your head out of the window and stare at the sky for a while (assuming that it is at night).. do you see any stars at all? if you do, i figure youre pretty lucky (for singapore).. mostly what i see is this purplish-bluish haze and very few stars (if any).. the only place i saw them was at the (previously) dark (and may i say dangerous) stairs.. its so sad, we have this beautiful vastness out there but we just dont care..
anyways you know what.. move over harry potter and his teenage antics.. move over robert jordans rand al' thor, nyneave al' maera, aes sedai, and the whole lot of them, with their duties and their sacrifices, plots and subplots woven together.. move over david eddings and his nice but forgettable other worlds.. usher in (no, not chinese new year) terry pratchet, the new man in my dreams.. ahaaha yay.. (is that how you spell his name anyways) new lines going off in random crazy angles in all the colours of the rainbow, plus octaron.. a true celebration of the imagination.. and intelligent, too.. all those references to science while turning science round on its head.. and whats more i can even show it to my sister when she gets a bit older! she wont understand everything but shell like it (i hope).. oh joy, joy... speaking of my sister.. this is her way of solving the problem of tomorrow.. and you bring a tape-recorder thing, and then you press on.. *grins* uhh, yes how i wish it was as easy as that.. and her view of the world, etc. these are continents, and then inside continents are countries, inside countries are states.. *looks at her expectantly* *looks back smartly* i know! inside states are cities, inside cities are houses, inside houses are families, inside families are people, inside people is blood, inside blood are proteins.. errr, so whats inside proteins? VITAMINS!!! *continues eating* *dumbfounded*
11:56 pm
Monday, February 05, 2007
She stands at the edge of the stain in the carpet and wonders what could be done about it. It was a wall-to-wall rabbitskin carpet sewn together from fur which was the purest of white. She'd thought that maybe it would add some warmth to the bareness of the large apartment. But so far, besides giving her feet something other than cold tiles to step on, it hasn't done anything much. Still, it helps dispel the feeling of unfamiliarity in the place, with its futuristic design and large glass panels. Life has a funny way of turning out. With some things, you try so hard to get it and when you finally do, you realise that the process has changed you and maybe you don't want it any longer. Just like this snazzy apartment. She had been a country girl, always dreaming of living and working in a big city, taking in the sights and sounds. But somehow, even though things are going really well, why does she feel that something is missing? Suddenly the view of the city skyline doesn't look so appealing anymore. And she remembers the stain in the carpet. She'd called in a cleaning company to get rid of it not long ago. It got better, but now it's back, more stubborn than ever.
omg my sister is nuts.. eating nuggets in the middle of the night really gets my endorphins fired up somehow.. dont know how im gonna fall asleep tonight.. and this is really late but, harry potter and the deathly hallows is coming out in a few months! *cheers wildly for jk rowling* i hope harry doesnt die though.. hmm wait yeah maybe he should die.. itll be nicer.. like a bittersweet kinda ending.. no wait then voldermort would have lived.. oh no no no no.. haiyar maybe hell really live.. then we'll all die crying when the book ends.. argh 21 july hurry up come.. i think my dads getting smarter.. he asked me what i was doing and i said im trying to do work.. he was going to leave then he said sth like youre trying to do work?!???? hahaha i guess that didnt really work.. i wonder what hed say if i told him i didnt like studying.. (not that i dont think he knows that but anyway) end of As hurry up come too.. then i can be free free freeeeeeeee...
1:44 am
Friday, February 02, 2007
ive decided to live life with a sense of quiet optimism.. might not change anything much, but i figure it should make some sort of difference.. sometimes when forces larger than oneself are at work, the only thing one can do is to be a mute onlooker no matter what one may feel about something.. but even as a onlooker, or at least one who is aware of what is going on, i feel ashamed that i know and yet did not do all that i could to well, help avoid it.. not that anything i could have done would have changed anything much.. but still.. dont they always tell us that trying and failing is better than failing to try or something like that.. i just cant help but draw the parallels between this and slavery.. yes, big difference.. but didnt their god tell them too that all sins were sins and that any sin whether big or small is still a sin.. not asking her to be perfect, but cant she at least be a teeny bit nicer about it all.. stripping a person of any protection she has, in a foreign country all alone, giving her no choice at all except to follow your will.. bringing a person to her weakest and enjoying the feeling of power over somebody else, whether unconsciously or not.. yes, it is in our nature to enjoy power.. and if we were animals we would be going crazy with it.. but we are not animals, are we.. anyway. now that this is all over i shall just try and forget all about it.. just like the way i tend to not think about the other mistakes i made when i could have made a difference in somebody elses life, except in times like these.. when i wonder if i really could have done anything to help.. or would i have made anything worse.. i met this girl when i was working at the book fair thingy after the o's.. i thought i wasnt doing very well getting along with the rest of the people, but i guess she had it worse.. shes like a kinda clingy sort of person, and maybe you could say possessive, but it stems from a sense of insecurity i guess.. i didnt know her very well, but then i was like meeting her even after i stopped working and school started, and she started telling me stuff like how she was bullied in school and how she has this internet relationship with this guy who doesnt care what she looks like and wants to marry her (i know i know like what on earth right..) and how shes clinically depressed and on medication.. okay no lah, i think this one people already knew when we were having the bookfair.. i think everybody thought she was kinda wonky, even the manager person was kinda freaked out and asked her to go home and "take a rest" cos she was crying and stuff.. yeah, for the thing itself i was doing like cashiering and she was doing childrens department or something, so i wasnt like with her the whole time, so hmm. yeah anyway, i felt really bad for her and all, so i went and agreed to help her with schoolwork, cos she was gonna retake o levels and stuff.. then i got kinda freaked out, and i didnt dare say i didnt wanna like meet up and stuff anymore.. and i just stopped replying her smses and said she got the wrong number or pretended i couldnt hear her or something to that effect.. such a coward right.. anyways, somewhere out there is a broken person, whom i could have helped but didnt, simply because it was easier not to.. hmmmmmm.......... i hope shes alright though.. and hasnt killed herself or something.. or maybe it would be better if she really did.. then she wouldnt be making things so difficult for herself.. okay now im really talking rubbish.. being alive and having a horrible life is better than being dead right.. i hope.. :/ anyways, i think i might make an okay counsellor or something next time, like once a week i see you kinda thing, but it gets too personal sometimes and it gets very draining.. anyways.
between two rivers by nicholas rinaldi
Her earliest pieces had been made of square patches forming geometrical patterns, but she had abandoned that style and worked now in the tradition of the crazy quilt, using patches of differing shape and size, with a rich array of colour--and somehow, out of the jumble, there emerged, here and there, images of trees, clouds, swans, and helicopter. She used silk and burlap, satin and polyester, whatever she could put her hands on, cutting larger, swirling designs, brisk and daring, or small intimate forms that teased the eye with subtle allusions. And she sewed, she sewed. She played ovals against squares, rectangles against circles--everything deliciously unbalanced, and yet, trickily, there would be, in the whole, a mysterious sense of harmony, a sense that the pieces, no matter how unrelated in colour or contour, all fit together. "Like life itself," she wrote one night in her journal. "We're all so terribly different, every one of us--yet we connect, we belong. No matter how much we may hate each other!" Even as she wrote it, it struck her as perhaps overly optimistic, the part about the connectin and belonging. Nevertheless, given the bleakness of the alternative, she favoured optimism, thinking it better to hope and believe than to succumb to a darkness that had no meaning.
yes, better to live with a blind hope than to live with its alternative.. rather dumb and naive some may say, but who cares.
8:36 pm
gail.
loves anything new
gets caught up in causes, events, loves
but doesn't do anything about them.
professes to be a supporter of the green movement
but leaves the lights on
disapproves of mcdonalds
but eats there anyways.
godwise, the jury's still out.
schoolwise, fass rocks my socks
but why do i have like a ton of work to do?
familywise, i guess theyre/its great
we just need to figure out what to do around each other?
freindswise, hey you guys are awesome.
blogwise, realises that the profile section is crappy
but doesn't know how else to fill up the space.