Bonjour. Si vous voulons me chercher, vous ĂȘtes venu au faux endroit.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
HAPPY EARTH DAY EVERYONE! yay! :) haha i know most people will probably think its a lame cause for a celebration, but yay anyway.. *pops the champagne* you know what i realised.. i realised that al gore is such a shit person.. (alright i hope nobody sues me for that) you know how hes always on about global warming and stuff.. his house utility bill is likemore than 20 times as much as the average americans.. twenty times okay, my goodness..he spends $30,000 on gas and electricity in a year.. i nearly died when i read that.. i mean like hello, this inconvenient truth was staring at you in your face.. no wait a minute, werent you the one championing the cause? *puzzled look* and you couldnt do anything about your lousy utility bill? :/ shame on you.. granted, apparently he runs his business out of his home, but isnt that just a teeny little bit too much? and, guess what.. recently i found out, okay no lah more like somebody told me, one of the so-called evidence that global warming doesnt exist.. now i dont know who to believe rahh.. i feel rather tempted to just say that no it doesnt exist.. but then what on earth is causing all this crazy weather? i for one, cant think of anything.. not that i know very much about the environment to begin with.. anyways, go here: you might find it amusing... or not. although it is a little outdated..
anyways i just feel like bonking myself on the head cos its already sunday night and im still such a great procrastinator.. humph. :( to the tune of the great pretender..
o-o-oh ye-es, im the great procrastinator.. slacking when its already so late.. the work, is piling up, but im still not doing much, oh isnt this feeling just so great..
tomorrows monday.. hello school again i guess.. i shall be good and go.. *pats self on the head* hahaha.
10:41 pm
Saturday, April 21, 2007
would you like a cup of coffee? how would you like yours.. bitter and thick, the way the vietnamese like theirs.. or saccharine sweet like a cup of coffee bean ice blend.. how about bitter-sweet then..
you know what, i think ill give the coffee a pass.. ill take a cup of laughter anytime.. for friendships made and pleasures shared indeed..
and so ill shout a little louder, jump a little higher.. come on wont you jump with me.. *offers hand*
9:30 am
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
rawr.. im feeling all grumpy and very much like a piece of crumpled cloth.. must be because i didnt get my daily dose of sudoku when i ate my dinner just now... :( my mother la, bring the newspaper to the office.. :(:( dont anybody come near me now..
10:26 pm
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
*insert suitable not very nice word* you know what, i think my younger sister thinks im stupid, or retarded, or that theres just something wrong with me somehow somewhere.. and its annoying cos i know im not stupid.. okay sorry im not trying to boost my own ego or anything but i know im not like smart smart, but neither am i stupid okay.. (oh you can put hardworking on the i am not list too haha..) anyways, what is really annoying about it all is that the primary way this (ie my sisters) perception of me is shaped by the things my parents say.. i mean like, they dont say like omg gail is such a stupid child, no of course not lah.. but its the implicit messages in your daily words and i guess actions that help mould a childs impressions of the world around him/her right.. (okay fine, go ahead and laugh, im not an educationist or a psychologist or whatever..) anyways, recently my dad tends to go something along the lines of: do you know what daddy hates? daddy hates lazy people.. yes, in my full hearing range and right in my face to say the least.. and no, they do not actually mention my being at all.. it has gotten to be that they are so good at it that they can actually do this without so much as batting an eyelid in my direction and that kinda sucks.. like hello, if you want to be giving such overt hints straight in my face then you might as well say it straight to my face, spit it out once and for all.. i mean, are you afraid that ill just break and give up and decide my life is not worth living anymore or some lame shit? come on, im so over that already.. and if you somehow think even for a moment that i can go back to being the good nice little, promising girl that i (apparently) was in primary school, then i guess id have to say that youre youre out of your mind.. i guess ive given up being outwardly rebellious and whatnot (for the most part, at least..), there isnt much point in it.. wastes everybodys energy getting worked up over nothing much.. you know what, for now im just gonna finish this onerous task of finishing the A's and be done with it once and for all.. they say it makes them "sad" to see me "like this", but you know what, i can no longer be mummys or daddys girl.. besides, my sister more than fills that role.. i used to want their approval you know, when i was younger.. but now i just want out, im just tired.. oh just let me go.. i guess what cla said about independence and all was made sense and all and so on.. but i dont just want independence.. i dont want to live up to anybodys expectations any longer.. so, yeah.. i guess.. ill just finish this A's and well, take it from there i guess.. im still pretty serious about the moving out thing though.. (shh dont tell) even though the logistics and planning of stuff still is rather a big question mark.. im only afraid that after that, ill just feel like maintaining the status quo and not do anything about anything, just like after the O's.. ho hum.. want to live on my plot of papua new guinea land anybody?
ah anyways, about the thing thats been taking up so much of our time, and waking thoughts too, i figure.. strings. im just afraid that itll be a case of too little, too soon.. oh man, please let it be enough.. as much as they say let it be not about the competition, let it not be about what youre gonna get, but about the music and the experience.. though im all for it, i must say that it is a pretty large motivating factor for everyone.. know what, i shall 'fess up.. you know the reflections thingy where we must write what we think we can get and what we think we will get.. they said everybody except one person didnt say that we can get gold with honours (if i remember correctly).. yeah that person was me.. yeah i mean if we had this same drive and i dunno, sense of camaraderie way earlier then id say maybe we had a fighting chance.. but this, this is blind hope, i think.. oh wells, let me not discourage anyone.. the fight is not yet over, and the fate of the battle not yet decided.. let us not place our bets on the lesser goal hmm? jia you people.. id say its my priveledge to know every one of you.. really.
9:27 pm
Thursday, April 12, 2007
i was reminded (rather abruptly) today of how much i love the underdog.. not the usual underdog in those pseudo-inspirational movies, where like oh then they work so hard then they beat all odds and that kind of thing to finally achieve something previously unattainable.. haha, my sis thinks i use the term pseudo-inspirational too loosely.. (i think she finds it a little annoying too!) yeah cos i mean like all those upbeat songs meant to get people high.. that is their point, you see, to get you high.. when you are high, you feel happy.. you feel happy, you like the song.. you like the song, you buy their cd... ahhhh.. my sis has quite a lot of these so-called pseudo inspirational songs in the computer, hence the annoyance.. as i was saying.. i like the underdog underdog.. i mean like, really. remember eddie? eddie carbone? yes, one plus years on i still love eddie for who he is.. (yes even though i generally kinda take quite long to get over stuff..) yes, disagree all you want, but to me he is somewhat like the epitome of all human weakness and fallibility, all their inevitable indulgences, and of course, all their beauty.. what beauty?!?, you may say.. hes just this potbellied old man who also happens to have incestous tendencies and if i may quote, "shaves in his underwear".. (alright alright, i admit i was exaggerating there.. just a little..) but dont you see, its not just the deed that matters, but what transpires before the deed, what led to the final [inevitable(?)] end.. have you not lied before? have you not done anything selfish before? have you not made any mistakes in your entire life? and did you not have your own (whether valid or not in the eyes of your fellow man) reasons for each and every time? what makes his thoughts, his actions, perverse though they may seem, worth any less than ours.. any more wrong than our own wrongdoings.. how can we say the in the end, he deserved to die.. and who are we to judge anyway.. we are, after all, fellow human beings stumbling along, trying to find our way in the path of life.. so you see now why i love eddie so? for months i listened to people stripping his character apart, looking at him with disdain, pity even.. poor poor eddie.. he was just a man... as are all of us.. what about beatrice, you may say.. beatrice, the constant loving caring long-suffering beatrice who was always there, no matter what.. do you not feel for her? does she not deserve more.. but beatrice, she was not faced with the same temptations, not faced with the same insecurities as eddie.. and at least at the end of the day when all is said and done, she can comfort herself with the fact that she did try all in her abilities to do what is right.. and because of that, she has the support of all the community around her, of catherine, of rodolpho, of you know, whoever.. eddie, what does he have.. eddie has nothing, is left with nothing.. he has lost all that he wants, loved, worked for.. yes literally everything. even right down to the very respect that he wanted all along, that he did all this for.. (okay lah fine, if you wanna be anal about it all then i guess you could say that in the end he still had beatrice, considering that he did die in her arms, and that she did love him no matter what..) do you not think he deserves our sympathy? i think thats the least he deserves..
anyway, back to why i started all this in the first place.. id never have thought that such things would happen in the place where i live.. okay fine, i guess im kind of blowing it a little out of proportion, just as i think that theyre blowing things out of proportion.. i think sometimes it just boils down the the human need for control.. control over oneself, ones environment, and control over others just like us.. control gives us a sense of power, and a sense of security, and i guess makes us feel better about ourselves.. but i guess as i have realised today, i really no longer feel the urge to get emotionally involved in other peoples struggles.. ill try to help when i feel the cause is worth helping.. (or maybe simply when i feel like it.. oh such a shit right.) im sorry, but i just dont feel any pang when i see somebody hurt anymore.. i dont know why.. maybe its sad that its this way, or maybe it was bound to happen anyway, i dont know.. not even when somebody is crying, you know.. a past me would be like dumbfounded beyond belief but anyways.. im really really sorry i cannot be more concerned, and more comforting.. and more, everything that people need when theyre feeling down.. ill try to offer what modicum of comfort and support my prescence can give really.. you are still a friend.. and seeing anybody hurt kinda sucks.. but i feel surprisingly little now.. and the thought that that doesnt really scare me anymore kind of scares me.. and so on and so on.. just like the way the parallel worlds go on virtually forever when you put two mirrors parallel to each other.. and the way that it scares me that im not scared that im not scared that im not scared that im schoolwork is dying.. i mean like, this couple of days amazingly i feel like doing work and working hard, but its not because im like super behind, or the teachers will get on my back, or im scared what will happen to me once the As are done, or i dont want to see the look on my parents faces (oh gosh im really dreading that, i tell you.. of all the emotions possible, anger is not the one to be feared.. disappointment is the worst, really.. ), or i dunno, i simply dont wanna be a school dropout.. i paid more attention these few days, and yes, believe it or not, actually looked forward to having school and lessons, who cares if its just a teeny weeny bit, because i dunno, i felt like it.. yar i know shouldnt be this way right.. but anyways, same with the whole comforting thingy i guess.. im sorry i cant/dont/wont care more..
there i go again pretending that ill fall --dresden dolls
oh you see, there i go making my excuses again.. excuses are lame, gail. get over it already..
10:09 pm
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
oh my gosh, i am like aching all over, and its not even from pe or anything.. my shoulders feel like very sore, because of a very weird sleeping position last night/this morning, which put my arms up instead of down.. but anyways, heres a nice compensation: i dreamt of harry potter this morning! hahahah. it was a different version of him, i guess.. slightly more modernised and less englishfied.. btw, the last book is not going to have any quidditch match.. oh, dang.. *pouts* i kinda wanted to feel the exhileration and the wind in my face and all.. even though i must say it does make sense lah, what with the war and all.. 27 JULY. (it is the 27th, isnt it?)
anyways, i feel old physically even though im like technically like not even halfway through the human lifespan.. my left bicep (?) probably still has some lactic acid swimming around somewhere.. you know, my everything is wrong.. my this is wrong, my that is wrong, and itll take hours to correct everything.. yesyes even the basics.. back down to standing correctly and all. and the worse thing is, i have no stamina.. rarghrargh, and no time.. barely more than a week left guys.. okay fine who am i to say, everything else sounds so much better.. i feel like im the weakest link or something you know? you know you know? ill feel terrible you know, if.. *thinks the unthinkable* sighsigh, what am i going to do about this inconvenient instrument of mine.. maybe i shouldnt say that.. okay lah, bernstein was worse okay.. you know what he called the bass.. he called it ungainly.. omg, ungainly?!? yes, its not like the most graceful thing on earth.. but ungainly is a bit too much right.. :( anyways, back to me feeling old and everything.. this morning i tried to run for the bell (i did make it by the way :)) and my feet felt positively leaden.. plod plod plod went my feet.. i think all my muscles have atrophied.. along with my brain cells and everything else.. yes, even my fat cells.. even they have degenerated into some lower form of cell rargh.. super dont wanna do pe tomorrow lah.. even though its not so bad already.. we're doing softball..
today on the bus i saw this guy reading a book just the way i used to read books.. it was kind of a bittersweet sort of moment, cos i mean like yay, but then i dont do that anymore.. not the reading on the bus, lack of practise has made my eyes go wonky.. not the very nearly laughing out loud and the smiles at jokes that nobody else on the bus are in onto.. not the nearly total immersion in the other world, not caring about the rest of the world except perhaps, an awareness of the passing bus stops.. i have this book which ive been lugging about in my bag and taking up alot of space for about a week now.. but somehow the thought of delving back into those words seems kinda daunting.. i have a good mind to just return it without even reading it.. rahh..
i think i should stop making excuses heh.. oh yes and put procrastination on the list too..
11:21 pm
Monday, April 09, 2007
alrights so here i am doodling around.. you know what, what do you do when you meet somebody who you know and that person knows you but when you think about it you dont know each other at all.. its really weird lah, cos sometimes i just stare a bit, cos i cant really decide if im supposed to say hi or not.. i mean like say hi? does it do anything for me or the other person.. i dont really think so.. okay lah i guess so, in a brighten-up-your-day kinda way.. like right now, the computer im using is like opposite one of my og mates, and i didnt say hi.. or at least i think hes from my og haha, i wasnt really very present during everything.. maybe its like unfriendly, or antisocial, i dunno my parents would say its antisocial but anyways.. if i could learn from home i would.. haha, then i would end up becoming a weird person detached from reality..
anyways, recently i told some people about my so-called childhood dream.. its called so-called cos when i first jumped on the idea i was kinda passing the child age already though i cant remember exactly when.. i came across the idea in a book.. okay yes anyway, dunno whether ive said this before, but i wanna go buy this super big plot of land in the middle of nowhere and live alone with a few other like-minded people.. like, forever.. okay not forever.. but thats the general idea.. they were like, oh my.. recluse! and kinda assumed it was for my retirement hahaha.. but i didnt tell them that i was thinking about the not-so-far-off future.. haha yes i guess you could somewhat call it a social experiment but neverminds.. the idea is i dont like change.. i resist change.. and i dont like new people.. its in me somehow.. (or maybe its one of those nature vs. nurture things which people somehow can go on and on about..) and i just know that i will absolutely not make it in the business world because change is rampant and inevitable.. ill probably get on everybodys to be retrenched list.. yes i would hide under a shell if i could but now that im like born in this day and age i guess thats not really possible and all.. besides, if i were somehow transported back in time, i just might die of boredom because ive grown used to this life, no matter how much i say im not suited for it..
anyways. heres back down to reality.. chems starting soon and though im not really looking forward to it, ill give a little yay just for the fact that its my last lesson lesson for the day.. yay.
1:10 pm
Saturday, April 07, 2007
this is my 143th post.. 143 *pregnant pause* is not a prime number.. it kinda felt like one, until i started punching my calculator.. and 143 is the number of a bus which goes near dbs arts centre.. see, i learn something new every day, yay..
speaking of dbs arts centre.. today i went there for like the very first time and got a bit lost.. well for surprise, surprise, west side story.. okay so the good or the bad.. okay lah bad first.. i really didnt expect the stage to be so small, and the whole place to be that small actually.. dont think it was big enough for them, especially the large group stuff.. but the smallness also made it feel kinda intimate lah.. not like when i watched it last year i was like miles away on the stage and i tried using binoculars (dunno how to spell) (yes, binoculars.. stop laughing.. ) yar and i couldnt decide whether to use or not to use cos they either were too big or too small.. anywaysanyways.. i figure the cast was chosen not for their singing or their dancing but for their dramatic abilities (?).. i thought the dancing would be like omg, what on earth is this, cos of all that my sisters said about rajs coreography and all.. but considering all that, it was okay lah.. it didnt particularly disrupt the flow.. (but maybe its because its closer to his style?) anyways, all the little details were a problem i guess.. everything needed to be tighter and all.. and the singing, okay what can i say.. whatwith the synthetic-sounding music too.. :/ oh yes, and the accents too.. their drama training kinda keeps on leaking out cos its like sometimes they slip in and out of the immigrant sort of accent? its quite funny lah if you think about it.. anyways. on to the good stuff.. some of them kinda managed to capture it, okay lah but some didnt lah.. but anyways i think the person who really shone was glory as anita.. yesyes her performance was not entirely pitch-perfect but it was goodgoodgood.. *cheers* another person who pulled their role off quite well was elina lim as rosalia.. yeah i found her name in the programme after no small amount of searching.. haha i remembered her as the curly-haired person.. i guess the places which i really liked were the high-energy parts involving practically everybody.. especially the dance.. yeah that was nice.. ohoh and what i really loved too, was the ending.. i guess everybody was at their very best there, when the singing and the dancing is stripped away, and theyre simply doing what they do best.. omg, i simply love feeding off the raw emotion.. (i think maybe some of them are a bit young to carry off the roles effectively or maybe not enough time but who cares lah.. ) yay yay i loved the ending.. oh haha the indulgent extras at the end were quite fun too.. all in all good effort guys.. *applause*
you know what, i havent felt so relaxed in such a long time.. lalala.. there goes my not-very-long weekend.. i figured calling it long would be kinda wrong cos by definition of long weekend would probably include something longer.. oh why must monday come so soon..
anyways. lately the stairs leading up to hume ave have gone and spoilt themselves again.. which is a good thing, i guess.. i kinda forgot to look up at the stars after they started working once and for all.. and i realised that the full moon has just passed.. you know i read somewhere that cos of the mysterious pull of the moon then people do weird things.. like theres abnormally large numbers of crimes like rape and i dunno weird stuff happening on full-moon nights.. i was just wondering what weird stuff has been going on this last full moon.. the full moon is like super bright lah (assuming no cloud cover).. last time the lights were spoilt (again) and i was like, how come i still can see my way.. then i realised it was the full moon.. haha does pagan moon worship still exist..?
and see? nice big paragraphing.. yay.
11:31 pm
Thursday, April 05, 2007
you know whats, i think im falling in love with clair de lune the way i fell in love with elgar two years ago.. seems like both yesterday and aeons ago, huh.. i always thought, and always expected, that it would be the four of us going for syf together.. you know, like for the last time, wherever we may end up next time.. but now i guess not, huh.. oh wells, i guess life goes on.. i guess tkm said about the batch before us was sort of right.. i think.. i remember watching slack-jawed as this ensemble walked onto the stage in their not very neat looking school uniform.. you know how the ac uniform somehow or other (well on me at least) looks like not very presentable.. you know, this ensemble, which i most probably would join in the not-so-far-off future.. but when they sat down and played, i thought something along the lines of wow.. and yeah actually this is where i wanna go lah.. eh, last time i very hardworking one okay.. recess half an hour also got go and practise one.. *tries not to imagine all the eyes rolling around* now, aiyoh.. i also got no comment.. one hour break also dont wanna go and open britten.. *shakes head* anyways, hey guys lets make this one an unforgettable experience.. one where we can pick up the photos and they bring a smile to our faces, just like the 2005 syf still does for me.. haha i probably wont ever wanna play simple symphony again.. ill just.. i dunno, pick up the cd when im doing another of my random major room cleanups and give it a little listen.. just like the way i dont read books that i really really really liked like alot alot the first time round.. just in case the magic is lost the second time round.. ps. actually i didnt really mind rounds all that much what.. dunno why everybody didnt like it.. haha shoot me somebody? anyways, heres what ive been thinking about all week.. you know what, i think the world is unfair.. no im not gonna launch into a whole whiny ranty thing.. i was just thinking.. you know what, why me.. why am i born in singapore, this nice little country where the currency is relatively okay.. and i do like some little stuff i can earn enough money in a day which can feed a family somewhere out there for a week or perhaps even month.. okay maybe im exaggerating.. but anyways, why do i get to learn the piano, play the bass, go to school.. i mean why am i in a nice school which is, i dunno, partially airconditioned and yet we complain and ask why is it not fully airconditioned, instead of sitting on the sun-baked earth in the middle of goodness-knows-where, where even a pencil is considered luxury.. do i even deserve it? why do i have a decently functioning brain when sometimes i dont even try.. i mean, i can think of many many other people who certainly work way harder than me.. they deserve their sets of brains more than i do.. why me, then.. i certainly dont think its because of some wonderful things ive done in some previous life or anything.. that thought just seems rather weird to me.. okay im pretty sure all this sounds mighty odd right.. i mean, why complain about getting more than you deserve, just grab and run right? but neverminds, i am used to it, i think.. of late, people have said i am weird, strange, peculiar.. oh yes, my sister says im annoying but you really didnt need to know that.. but the weirdest, and perhaps funniest, of them all is the recentest.. emo kid.. haha, when i first heard it i was like what on earth?? i didnt know whether to laugh or cry.. really.. but anyways, i digress.. since i dont deserve all this, why dont i work harder so that you know, its not like such a waste and all? i dunno, there must be something wrong with my brain i think.. instead of making me feel like working harder, i just feel so like umm undeserving that i do even less? which, when you think about it logically, doesnt make much sense at all right.. :/ anyways, for those who still bother, happy easter in advance.. :)
hmm.. sometimes i wonder if im becoming a hypocrite.. i wonder..
10:16 pm
Monday, April 02, 2007
you know what i feel like.. i feel like this old painting thats being restored, only outdoors.. and its kinda hard to both remain whole as a canvas itself, and yet keep all the colours on at the same time.. the elements, oh how they tear at you.. anyways. its rew yet again.. how time flies doesnt it.. but somehow this time it really feels like it doesnt matter anymore.. urghs, is that supposed to be good or bad.. when i saw reginald up there i just felt really really old.. i mean, ive been seeing him lead worship on and off and like dunno how many donkey years.. i even went for one of their worship camp thingies.. whatsit called.. the third place, i think.. its near the (used-to-be) rainbow buildings where theres this jap restaurant we used to go to.. haha if anyone has any idea where on earth that is.. it just feels like ages ago since i believed in fairy tales.. sighsighsigh, and here i am increasing my reliance-factor on fantasy yet again.. yes, escapism they call it.. i suppose i cant deny it then.. when an imaginary world seems almost better than real life.. perhaps better even.. when sleep provides such a sharp relief.. i used to read myself to sleep, you know.. ah yes cry yourself to sleep, not so bad.. but read yourself to sleep? like what on earth? literally.. reading, makes your eyes tired.. so blessed sleep comes all the faster.. and when you read and you fall asleep, you dream of your characters, so that dreams and imaginary friends really do seem better than the waking world.. (omg theres this car making horrible alarm noises downstairs.. so annoying.. ) anyways, yeah so since i seem to be like typing kinda incoherently i guess i should pretty much just stop here.. and sleep.. or do work.. or just something.. anything. night, then..
10:08 pm
gail.
loves anything new
gets caught up in causes, events, loves
but doesn't do anything about them.
professes to be a supporter of the green movement
but leaves the lights on
disapproves of mcdonalds
but eats there anyways.
godwise, the jury's still out.
schoolwise, fass rocks my socks
but why do i have like a ton of work to do?
familywise, i guess theyre/its great
we just need to figure out what to do around each other?
freindswise, hey you guys are awesome.
blogwise, realises that the profile section is crappy
but doesn't know how else to fill up the space.