Bonjour. Si vous voulons me chercher, vous êtes venu au faux endroit.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
*insert suitable not very nice word* you know what, i think my younger sister thinks im stupid, or retarded, or that theres just something wrong with me somehow somewhere.. and its annoying cos i know im not stupid.. okay sorry im not trying to boost my own ego or anything but i know im not like smart smart, but neither am i stupid okay.. (oh you can put hardworking on the i am not list too haha..) anyways, what is really annoying about it all is that the primary way this (ie my sisters) perception of me is shaped by the things my parents say.. i mean like, they dont say like omg gail is such a stupid child, no of course not lah.. but its the implicit messages in your daily words and i guess actions that help mould a childs impressions of the world around him/her right.. (okay fine, go ahead and laugh, im not an educationist or a psychologist or whatever..) anyways, recently my dad tends to go something along the lines of: do you know what daddy hates? daddy hates lazy people.. yes, in my full hearing range and right in my face to say the least.. and no, they do not actually mention my being at all.. it has gotten to be that they are so good at it that they can actually do this without so much as batting an eyelid in my direction and that kinda sucks.. like hello, if you want to be giving such overt hints straight in my face then you might as well say it straight to my face, spit it out once and for all.. i mean, are you afraid that ill just break and give up and decide my life is not worth living anymore or some lame shit? come on, im so over that already.. and if you somehow think even for a moment that i can go back to being the good nice little, promising girl that i (apparently) was in primary school, then i guess id have to say that youre youre out of your mind.. i guess ive given up being outwardly rebellious and whatnot (for the most part, at least..), there isnt much point in it.. wastes everybodys energy getting worked up over nothing much.. you know what, for now im just gonna finish this onerous task of finishing the A's and be done with it once and for all.. they say it makes them "sad" to see me "like this", but you know what, i can no longer be mummys or daddys girl.. besides, my sister more than fills that role.. i used to want their approval you know, when i was younger.. but now i just want out, im just tired.. oh just let me go.. i guess what cla said about independence and all was made sense and all and so on.. but i dont just want independence.. i dont want to live up to anybodys expectations any longer.. so, yeah.. i guess.. ill just finish this A's and well, take it from there i guess.. im still pretty serious about the moving out thing though.. (shh dont tell) even though the logistics and planning of stuff still is rather a big question mark.. im only afraid that after that, ill just feel like maintaining the status quo and not do anything about anything, just like after the O's.. ho hum.. want to live on my plot of papua new guinea land anybody?
ah anyways, about the thing thats been taking up so much of our time, and waking thoughts too, i figure.. strings. im just afraid that itll be a case of too little, too soon.. oh man, please let it be enough.. as much as they say let it be not about the competition, let it not be about what youre gonna get, but about the music and the experience.. though im all for it, i must say that it is a pretty large motivating factor for everyone.. know what, i shall 'fess up.. you know the reflections thingy where we must write what we think we can get and what we think we will get.. they said everybody except one person didnt say that we can get gold with honours (if i remember correctly).. yeah that person was me.. yeah i mean if we had this same drive and i dunno, sense of camaraderie way earlier then id say maybe we had a fighting chance.. but this, this is blind hope, i think.. oh wells, let me not discourage anyone.. the fight is not yet over, and the fate of the battle not yet decided.. let us not place our bets on the lesser goal hmm? jia you people.. id say its my priveledge to know every one of you.. really.
9:27 pm
gail.
loves anything new
gets caught up in causes, events, loves
but doesn't do anything about them.
professes to be a supporter of the green movement
but leaves the lights on
disapproves of mcdonalds
but eats there anyways.
godwise, the jury's still out.
schoolwise, fass rocks my socks
but why do i have like a ton of work to do?
familywise, i guess theyre/its great
we just need to figure out what to do around each other?
freindswise, hey you guys are awesome.
blogwise, realises that the profile section is crappy
but doesn't know how else to fill up the space.
