Bonjour. Si vous voulons me chercher, vous ĂȘtes venu au faux endroit.
Monday, May 28, 2007
whatifwhatifwhatif.
sometimes it freaks me out.. like what if i believe all this stuff im reading..
3:54 am
:/
enjoying the late-night quietness.. sort of. worrying that i wont be able to wake up like sooper early (by my standards at least) for the library thingamajig tomorrow.. not very much heh. tomorrow will take care of itself.. i hope.. planning how to best spend my june hols.. in the very preliminary stages. wondering how the world works in general.. quite a bit. feeling glad my grandparents came over and yet wishing they didnt at the same time.. ALOT.
yes so wells the hols have finally rolled off to a start.. a rather nice one, what with friday and saturday and all..
oh look what we read during gp today.. seems like gps good for some stuff after all..
But is a life of false hope, or mere hope, nothing to hope, a finer and nobler thing than a life squarely based on facing realities, and knowing them for what they are? A. C. Grayling
yes gail, indulge yourself once again.. all or nothing, remember?
10:56 pm
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
i said goodbye to a friend today :(
7:56 pm
Sunday, May 20, 2007
i just returned the snail (feels odd saying my snail) back to where he/she/it should belong.. i feel sorta like an overprotective parents or something.. i really hope that he/she/it doesnt go crawling around onto the path downstairs only to get trodden on tomorrow morning or something, knowing how far snails can crawl at night.. look look i even learnt how to upload a pic hahaha to show you! thats him/her/it on his/her/its farewell dinner.. just about the only thing that i know hell/shell/itll eat.. my plant. the small one. but anyways.. farewell dearie.. eat sleep procreate.. and dont get trodden on.. hmm i think the uploading thing is like not working or im not doing it right.. oh wells..
ohh rahh next weeks gonna be so disjointed.
rahhrahhrahh i so will prove her wrong.
9:53 pm
okay, so i stumbled on this: http://rateyourstudents.blogspot.com/.. and it was funny.. then it got unfunny after like a few seconds/minutes after somewhere in my brain somehow it connected that hey im a student and hey guess what, most probably theyre talking about students like *drumroll* me. i was talking to this teacher on friday and i dunno, like how some other teachers also seem to have this uncanny ability, he made me feel like i was such a terrible student etc etc.. the last time i talked to him was like quite some time ago and i didnt feel anything, just nod nod smile smile kinda thing.. and i managed to avoid him somewhat effectively until.. friday. okay, i guess i shant go into detail, it would be too.. painful. but anyways. just thought the rateyourstudents might be amusing/a reason for reflection.. alright, so i just finished this book like yesterday, or yesterdays yesterday.. its not the sort of book id normally read, but i bought it like 1+ years ago at the book fair thing where they gave all working there 50% off and it was like such a mad grab.. well for me at least, dont really think the rest were really interested in the books.. anyways it managed to throw up some nice.. stuff. like how some things read/hear/see and you think like omg thats what i was thinking/imagining all along! anyways..
And then there was Gubby. It's never a good feeling when you come across someone obviously very much cleverer than you are; when that person seems to have the ability to see inside you, to understand you in a way that you can never reciprocate, that feeling becomes unbearable. Especially if, like me, there are things you would rather hide, even from yourself. and we all live to some extent in the past. It's the only thing that belongs to us. And more even than that, we are simply the product of those memories, of that past.
the first. only two people have effectively made me feel like that, although i have no idea whether they knew/know.. one i only saw a handful of times, mostly with others, a couple by myself, and that was scarey enough.. the other i have seen many more times, mostly alone, and thats scarier.. i dunno, theres something freaky about the feeling of somebody being able to guess at the inner workings of your mind.. and especially not when i prefer being aloof most of the time, emerging to connect with a few members of humanity from time to time.. okay that sounds so drama and so exaggerated.. but hmm yeah something like that i guess.. and the second, yeah. nods, i guess.. since i seem not to be able to make any point i guess i shall stop here heh..
8:23 pm
Thursday, May 17, 2007
so today i took the bus back with someone.. again. i dunno, maybe its just me, but i like my bus rides long quiet and, without anybody else.. hence my favourite seat on the bus, which i guess half the world knows where by now so i shant bother saying where since words cant really describe it well.. anyways, it just tired my brain out, the conversation-making.. i mean, once in a while is perfectly fine by me, but twice a week, with the same person.. oh dear.. i was seriously failing at coming up with something which remotely passes for conversation.. anyways. you know sometimes people say im like emo-ing or something.. but im not okay, i really am not.. im just, stoning? i dunno, stoning, daydreaming, thinking, or something in between all three, or i just dont feel like talking.. and no, im not antisocial.. at least i dont think so.. i mean, yes id like to think that im a perfectly normal human being.. and you know, i actually enjoy human interaction.. but just not in excessive amounts, especially not when it serves no purpose.. (but who says that human interaction needs any purpose anyway, but lets not go there) i mean, its not like i havent done my fair share of lame and purely-for-entertainment kind of things, or said some of those somehow funny stuff which 99% of the time gets forgotten cos really, it doesnt mean anything much, but somehow that 1% of the time it gets fossilised in memory and it brings back fond chuckles.. yes singing and dancing to the yellow lemon tree song after math test to cheer everyone up after math test and actually coming up with and practising the moves during recess when we could have been mugging away would count as one of them.. oh and the partially-failed april fools day joke which had me fainting in class.. seeing as i was well flat on the bag (having somehow managed to arrange it on the floor in an oh-so-convenient place without anyone noticing beforehand), i couldnt really see and i guess savour the look on miss ors face, which id like to think was quite funny.. and shyna.. gosh she was just laughing so hard, you wouldnt think that her friend just fainted during class.. she was supposed to go all worried and flustery.. but i guess the clincher had to be mj (remember mj people? i wonder where she is now anyways..) coming up to me, putting her fingers to my neck and declaring that i still had a pulse.. yes it was funny while it lasted.. not sure if i could still pull these stuff off now though.. theres not really anyone in school who would participate in such endeavours with such enthusiasm as shyna.. yeah so well.. thats that i guess..
anyways so today we did this group work thingy for gp and i had such a laugh.. (see im not all that stoned all the time? :p) it really reminded me of/felt like in secondary school where we had these lame projects that the teachers came up with, but somehow we managed to have heaps of (ahem) fun getting it done anyway.. like like remember those who were in 2I the project we did for pw, the one with xiao ming and xiao hua.. omg, that was seriously hi-la-rious.. and hey, we actually worked at it okay, it wasnt some last minute thing one might have thought.. the well, kissing scene itself we had to practise like how many times to get it right? but anyways. and and some history mock elections thing.. our group (people for the poor, remember anyone?) was the only one getting rahhrahh about it and everybody was like so sian diao cos like what on earth were we getting so enthu about? and seriously. what were we so enthusiastic about.. its not like the grades mattered terribly, at least it didnt seem to be for the marks.. so i guess, perhaps shes right after all? maybe in some strange weird way, its in the trying that we actually learn to like, enjoy, and eventually love something.. maybe? i dunno, somehow somewhere this hasnt actually connected in my brain, no matter how logical it seems.. i mean the idea of trying, not just trying, but trying so hard, and maybe even giving your best, whatever that may be, just seems unjustified to me somehow.. you try, for the chance/hope/belief that somehow the beauty of it all will reveal itself to you? the now seems rather more certain doesnt it.. is it somehow better to accept the current i dunno, ugliness (?), rather than to strive for an uncertain beauty somewhere in the future? i dont know rargh. but i guess i must be PRAGMATIC. you know, whatever i might have said up there, i guess the conclusion is whatever i say and think, i still have to study? at least until the darn As are over.. i just wish i wasnt studying simply because i have to otherwise id be stuck in something i dont like for the rest of my life.. i think thats just.. sad. but how on earth am i gonna choose what i wanna do for the rest of my life anyways.. i mean, i took one and a half years to finally decide/realise what my perfect combi in jc was, of which i currently am doing only one.. okay so enough of digressing.. group work was well, the most interesting one in a long long time.. yes i really feel kinda sorry for my pw group mates who got stuck with such a slacker group person like me.. and really, believe me or not, i did feel kind of bad when the results came out, because i guess some, if not most, if not all, of them were expecting/hoping for better.. and it doesnt help that i guess im okay with what i got since i kinda deserved it anyway.. oh wells, not as if any of them would read this but yeah.
10:18 pm
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
i think i make a really bad pet owner.. nono, no worries about the snails premature death.. luckily snails are the hardy sort.. but seeing as ive managed to grow some other.. wiggly stuff as well, i think i should return the snail to its natural environment asap right.. :/ right now its sitting at the top of this plant thingy in my balconey.. anyways, something i really wanted to watch is like sold out so badly.. :( no lah not phantom, that would seriously burn a hole in my pocket.. like seriously. anyways, im feeling kinda miffed cos when i checked a few days ago the sunday one was perfectly alright.. now its all sold out. :(and theres only tomorrow left, which is.. impossible. *whines* i guess you could also see it as a good thing? seeing as i am currently in the broke status.. okay, not a very surprising thing lah, but still.. anyways. i think i should try harder. like, really.. anyways anyways, you know what.. last night the really lame show on channel eight (if im not wrong) that the peeps at home are glued to was on again.. you know the one about how men and women are so different and they dont understand each other and whatnot.. yes, so my mum was like asking some random question about like marriage or something like that.. what popped out of my mouth was something along the lines of: if i wanted a sexual relationship i wouldnt get married, i would.. *peters (oops michelle if youre reading this haha) off due to prescence of younger sister* *not-so-young sister gives a look of consternation* but seriously, i dont see myself sticking with a person for like forever.. or anything, for that matter.. i mean, just look at my snail.. plus all the other failed attempts at pet-keeping.. and my work.. and all my resolutions.. oh but this latest not skipping school/class one is miraculously enjoying a greater level of success though.. yayness.. yes, its just one-and-a-half weeks to the end of the term.. anyways.. so i guess i see myself as having short, intense, sporadic flings? like the life cycles of temperate viruses or something.. that doesnt sound too right, right.. yes anyways, found out what group marriage was during gp this week.. sounds interesting, to say the least.. oh yes, and cla, dont worry all this isnt a result of the whole marriage is futile thing haha.. oh and btw, all credit goes to claire for my english A1 in the O levels.. well, some at least.. she, thanks to one of her rambling talks down blackmore drive told me (and just about everybody else present) about how marriage is/was futile.. so when i saw the compo part of the paper with the one-word question marriage.. i just knew i had to do it.. hahaha thanks again cla! :) anyways anyways anyways, if i get through this week, (which is like ending), and i get through next week, then its THE HOLS. yes, doesnt the thought of that sound simply.. i dunno, the teeniest bit motivating? alright, just forget for a moment that this hols is meant for some serious cheonging and not for slacking or anything of that sort.. yes, people, come study with me.. kap misses our prescence.. i think.
5:23 pm
Saturday, May 12, 2007
you know, now that i think about it, i have no idea what i was looking for when i went yesterday.. except that i had a feeling that that certainly wasnt it.. its like a kid who learns that sanata doesnt exist, or that the one who puts coins under the pillow was actually a parent, not the tooth fairy.. not that i really know how that feels.. i just, knew one day that they werent real, without an epiphany of any sort.. and life went on its merry way..
all or nothing, all or nothing, im still looking for that all..
and im looking for a quote on greatness that i lost as well..
9:24 am
Friday, May 11, 2007
sometimes i cant help but roll my eyes at myself.. now is one of those times.. all-or-nothing all-or-nothing.. im kinda resigned to me thinking like a neurone.. how dumb is that lah.. yes all-or-nothing response.. thats the reason why i dont put in so much effort, cos i know i wont get that 100%.. thats also the reason im going to school tomorrow.. cos if i dont go for just one day i know ill not go for many more days.. come on, i can so do this until the end of the term.. how hard can it be.. *tries to convince self* argh to be an idealist or a realist.. anarchy or existentialism.. oh shut up and go to sleep.. :/ yes and thank goodness the weekends rolling around yet again.. time is a cycle, isnt it.. i wonder if my thread has been woven in the pattern before.. and how.. gail sedai, maybe..? green ajah, or blue, yes maybe blue with all their causes.. possibly white.. but never red.. and most probably not brown, oh gosh.. haha, dont think id possess the mental capacity though.. anyways, really rubbishing now.. i really should shut up..
12:37 am
Thursday, May 10, 2007
i just gave myself a big scare earlier.. and yes, it was regarding the darn snail.. i was happily making my way home, looking at the clouds and wondering what a pity it was that i didnt know their names and how they were formed, and thoroughly enjoying what feels like the first-ever thrusday im reaching home before my average school-ending time.. and so i decided to return the snail to its natural environment, ie somewhere downstairs.. so i brought it downstairs and wanted to let it out, but to my horror of horrors, it was like all curled up and not moving at all.. i very nearly died cos i thought that it had died.. died under the hands of the terrible animal-killer me.. i kinda poked it a little with some grass thingies and thnkfully it kinda moved, like a little.. i was still kinda worried, cos i was already afraid that i was slowly killing it by feeding it the wrong food.. cos it like ate so little, and its shit was like weird coloured.. guess what i realised.. it ate so little according to my standards, but if you compare it to its body mass, i guess its okay? :/ and i realised that guess what, snail shit somehow or other turns black after awhile.. like omg right.. and and and, whats more, SNAILS ARE ACTIVE AT NIGHT. plus they sometimes do this mini-hibernating thing for short periods of time like a few days, which completely doesnt harm them at all.. yes, i guess that goes to show how noobish i can get.. anyways, diet for today: cabbage, corn, celery..
ps. anybody has a large fish tank to spare? i wanna try breeding snails hahaha.. pretty please?
pps. KRONOS! 07 22 may 730 pm vch you can get your tickets from me.. come on, you know you want to..
anyways, i am a musician, not a slave-driver.. is that a reason or an excuse..
6:11 pm
Monday, May 07, 2007
guess what everyone.. ive got a new pet.. ive got a pet snail ahahaha, but its not really permanent though.. yeah i know, my sister said its like so primary school project like that, but who cares. i was walking home today and i saw this snail which was like nearly at the same position as yesterday.. which was on this piece of paper.. stupid litterbug lah, anyhow go and throw the paper there.. and it was some glossy paper which cannot be recycled some more.. so take so long to biodegrade.. so the snail was just stuck there on the paper.. yesterday it was nearly off the paper, but today it was like super smartly stuck back on again.. so i decided to bring it back home and take care of it first since the paper it was on was on this super huge grass patch so there wasnt any way it was gonna make it back to safety before it dies.. i mean like, its already been baking in the sun for one whole day? i dont think it rained today.. anyways, yeah it would really have died, cos when i picked it up it was too tired to even like recoil itself into the shell.. i mean, it did evetually, but it took so long.. and its really really dehydrated, it doesnt really produce slime anymore? :( that is like so super sad lah.. so anyways, as i said, this isnt gonna be a long-term thing cos 1) after its nice and healthy and all, ill go return it to its natural environment.. not that horrible grass patch, but somewhere nice and shady.. 2) snails apparently live longer in the wild than in captivity 3) pets i look after tend to die if kept for too-long periods of time.. remember the rabbit? i suspect it died cos i fed it like biscuits and cookies and bread and whatnot.. how terrible of me right.. but he/she/it did like it.. *plaintive look* so anyways, i got him/her/it so many varieties of plants, i hope he/she/it likes some of them at least.. i dont want him/her/it to die in my care.. :/ i wish i were some scientist lah, then at least when i release it back into the "wild" then i can use those tracking devices to see how he/she/its doing from time to time..
and omg, i just realised that snails are bisexual!?! ahahaha omg i so super did not know that lah.. the more i read about them the cuter they get.. even cuter than hamsters!
oh stuffs, get yourself out of my head.. the devils ball indeed.. rargh.. anyways, if i were to join some sort of band in the future, one like that would be fun, i think.. not that i actually can play any of the stuffs needed but oh wells.. sounds and looks like fun..
11:04 pm
Sunday, May 06, 2007
so many things to do, im getting this mild sense of urgency right now.. and yet im doing "unimportant" things.. oh hmm..
i think ive believed in some things for pretty long a time without knowing them for what they are.. oh double hmm..
10:51 am
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
hmm. i told myself not to be so dispassionate about.. i dunno, everything.. and to give more of myself.. but so far its not working by far.. how now brown cow? :( and they tell me to play with more feeling/soul/whatever other suitable word.. but i cant.. how can i.. reality is reality, not-reality is.. you guessed it, not-reality.. i could live with you.. and i could die with you, perhaps die for you even.. but in a book.. in a dream, maybe.. i can imagine a perfect day in which i try, i mean really try, and give my 100% in like everything.. actually, no i dont think i can, not that ive tried.. which maybe is why it cant be translated into actions.. anyways. i find it so amazing how some people can try and try and try, while i just sit here and i dunno, ferment.. (they say that wine gets better with age, though..) but seriously, i dunno what motivates me anymore.. and that scares me.. care to share, anyone? :/
and about the whole dispassionate thing.. i find it hard these days to muster anything more than a mild interest in bio.. it feels like im learning all this stuff just for the exam.. i used to want to learn about all this tiny little stuff which you cant see with your naked eye but now that we're doing it, it all feels so sian.. i look at the notes; oh, lookee here, i read some random stuff about this when i was feeling all hardworking and interested and all; now i have to get this in my head by hook or by crook for the exams, oh bugger.. which brings me back to the whole studying for studyings sake.. which i think is i dunno, pointless.. i just feel that i should just not study at all since the reason is i dunno, wrong? in sec four i thought that i shouldnt get any tuition cos it defeats the purpose of going to school and sitting for the exams and all that.. in the end i still did anyways.. yeah, math tuition saved my life.. sort of.. oh and math is like: what on earth do people in real life use this for? :/ i mean it kinda makes sense in a logical kinda way.. but then again, everything makes sense eventually you just have you explain yourself in different ways.. and chem, dont talk about chem.. he says that CHEMISTRY IS LIFE. im sorry but i really beg to differ.. bio is life, yes that i can understand.. math is life, no most definitely not.. if you say lit is life, id say no too.. history? umm history was life? music is life? if you kinda stretch it a little, yeah i guess id close one eye haha.. but chemistry? these little particle thingies bomping around? i mean yeah, chemistry is needed for life in general, but chem is most definitely not life okay.. rarghrarghrargh. not that thinking this way makes remembering what reacts with what, and how to calculate stuff, and how molecules look and attract each other any easier lah, but oh wells.. so, yeah.. there you have it.. one of the reasons why i dont really put all that effort id really expect of myself to study? studying for the sake of exams seems a little retarded to me so id rather not study? :/ is that a valid reason? :/ anyways yeah so back to school it is.. it doesnt feel too real either, except that if i pinched myself it would probably hurt.. anyways, now that ive whined like so much, so much.. yeah actually i think i can face tomorrow with a large dose of optimism that was previously lacking.. *nods* yeah, you know what actually? three cheers for school.. hurray.
ps. whats wrong with blogger.. everything looks so weird!
8:06 pm
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
i feel lots like saying tgif, except that its not friday.. no, far from it.. man, i love times like this when the whole house is asleep and its just me and me and i dunno, the furniture, playing whatever random music that pops up.. yes, even some of my sisters pseudo-inspirational songs.. speaking of inspirational stuff, ive decided on the most inspirational piece of 2006.. yes, 2006, very very late i know.. anyways its the moldau from mein vaterland (spelling anyone?).. anyways, its inspiring cos it sounds alot like hey, heres my life so far, ive run/sailed (?) the good fight, and here i am.. ive arrived.. but its not done in a: okay you there, sit up, listen up, be inspired kinda way.. okay, put out in words it sounds so super lame lah, but so anyways, yeah..
i dunno, so much to say, yet nowhere to begin.. i guess im really grateful for the public holiday.. like really really.. first day of the week and im like oh my gosh.. if there wasnt a holiday tomorrow id be severely tempted to just pon lah.. okay, i shouldnt even be allowing myself the thought of that option.. i thought id start this week really well cos i went to sleep feeling rather nice and happy last night.. i realised that chamber music makes me happy heh.. all intimate and whatnot.. (yeah but not in the same way chinese music does.. one day in the mid-term future ill go and have a one year hiatus in china just to immerse myself in all that hahah.. so cheenapok, i cant believe myself.) anyways so ive realised that attempts to brainwash myself have failed thus far.. which is, bad i suppose.. yeah oh wells doublethink.. i need to go tear apart 1984 one of these days.. ho hum.. anyways, how do you give up on yourself when other people just wont give up on you.. i mean, which is really nice of them, and absolutely and fully appreciated.. but how can you when others well, i dunno, believe..
okay you know what, in an attempt to think coherently, and also so that my fingers will be all happy and not complain, im gonna make a list of things i learnt/realised/found out this past week.. here goes:
1) i realised how much i appreciate intelligence.. i mean like not good grades per se, but intelligence.. hmm yeah. like people who think.. not like i have to agree with them, or share their passion or anything..
2) which i guess brings me to this next thing.. i realised some things people do have started to grate on my nerves.. a little.. i dont know if they do it consciously or not though but anyways.. some of the things are really, to me at least, rather pointless.. why laugh when its not funny.. why talk when its meaningless.. why make a big fuss about a minute obscure thing.. why bother when it doesnt matter.. and especially the handholding, and the resting arms and chin on my shoulder like im some convenient arm rest, and the whining, and the i dunno, whatever it is that people do.. *tries to keep eyes from rolling right out of their sockets* and i thought they knew me well enough by now..
3) neopets changed its layout hahaha.. the basic stuffs pretty much the same, just the layout.. i dunno whether its a case of changing for the sake of changing :/ oh but now on the left now has this thing which says None of your Neofriends are currently online. You must be lonely. yes, im devastated.. really.
4) i really need to do something about the way my brain works.. and yes that means getting rid of that whole stupid passive aggressive thingamajig, and no that does not mean seeing somebody whose jobscope can be summed up in a 5-letter s-word.. i mean seriously, im having trouble staying sane as it is.. you know, usually i dont really like classifying/categorising myself into a certain group of human beings, but when i heard it i had no choice but to grudgingly agree.. oh darn it all.. (oh yes and thank goodness tmrs a holiday again..)
5) clouds are really nice to look at.. even nicer than stars i assure you.. at least they can be seen at any time.. only thing is, i dont really allow myself to look at them very much cos i think if i start, i probably wont start..
oh wells, brains currently complaining about the extra strain of the list-making heh.. yeah so goodnight..
12:33 am
gail.
loves anything new
gets caught up in causes, events, loves
but doesn't do anything about them.
professes to be a supporter of the green movement
but leaves the lights on
disapproves of mcdonalds
but eats there anyways.
godwise, the jury's still out.
schoolwise, fass rocks my socks
but why do i have like a ton of work to do?
familywise, i guess theyre/its great
we just need to figure out what to do around each other?
freindswise, hey you guys are awesome.
blogwise, realises that the profile section is crappy
but doesn't know how else to fill up the space.