Wednesday, May 02, 2007

hmm. i told myself not to be so dispassionate about.. i dunno, everything.. and to give more of myself.. but so far its not working by far.. how now brown cow? :( and they tell me to play with more feeling/soul/whatever other suitable word.. but i cant.. how can i.. reality is reality, not-reality is.. you guessed it, not-reality.. i could live with you.. and i could die with you, perhaps die for you even.. but in a book.. in a dream, maybe.. i can imagine a perfect day in which i try, i mean really try, and give my 100% in like everything.. actually, no i dont think i can, not that ive tried.. which maybe is why it cant be translated into actions.. anyways. i find it so amazing how some people can try and try and try, while i just sit here and i dunno, ferment.. (they say that wine gets better with age, though..) but seriously, i dunno what motivates me anymore.. and that scares me.. care to share, anyone? :/

and about the whole dispassionate thing.. i find it hard these days to muster anything more than a mild interest in bio.. it feels like im learning all this stuff just for the exam.. i used to want to learn about all this tiny little stuff which you cant see with your naked eye but now that we're doing it, it all feels so sian.. i look at the notes; oh, lookee here, i read some random stuff about this when i was feeling all hardworking and interested and all; now i have to get this in my head by hook or by crook for the exams, oh bugger.. which brings me back to the whole studying for studyings sake.. which i think is i dunno, pointless.. i just feel that i should just not study at all since the reason is i dunno, wrong? in sec four i thought that i shouldnt get any tuition cos it defeats the purpose of going to school and sitting for the exams and all that.. in the end i still did anyways.. yeah, math tuition saved my life.. sort of.. oh and math is like: what on earth do people in real life use this for? :/ i mean it kinda makes sense in a logical kinda way.. but then again, everything makes sense eventually you just have you explain yourself in different ways.. and chem, dont talk about chem.. he says that CHEMISTRY IS LIFE. im sorry but i really beg to differ.. bio is life, yes that i can understand.. math is life, no most definitely not.. if you say lit is life, id say no too.. history? umm history was life? music is life? if you kinda stretch it a little, yeah i guess id close one eye haha.. but chemistry? these little particle thingies bomping around? i mean yeah, chemistry is needed for life in general, but chem is most definitely not life okay.. rarghrarghrargh. not that thinking this way makes remembering what reacts with what, and how to calculate stuff, and how molecules look and attract each other any easier lah, but oh wells.. so, yeah.. there you have it.. one of the reasons why i dont really put all that effort id really expect of myself to study? studying for the sake of exams seems a little retarded to me so id rather not study? :/ is that a valid reason? :/
anyways yeah so back to school it is.. it doesnt feel too real either, except that if i pinched myself it would probably hurt.. anyways, now that ive whined like so much, so much.. yeah actually i think i can face tomorrow with a large dose of optimism that was previously lacking.. *nods* yeah, you know what actually? three cheers for school.. hurray.

ps. whats wrong with blogger.. everything looks so weird!

Bonjour. Si vous voulons me chercher, vous êtes venu au faux endroit.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

8:06 pm

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