Bonjour. Si vous voulons me chercher, vous êtes venu au faux endroit.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
it suddenly dawned upon me why it seemed like such a farce going to school this week. sure, well, some of the things talked about were pretty cool. but it felt surreal, somehow. in the evenings i work alongside people who probably are the more.. "typical" singaporeans. people who live in hdb flats. a teen my age who gave birth some three months ago and moved out when she was what. fourteen? living my 'childhood' dream. the auntie who has to apply for court protection order from her husband, whos children are in some faraway home, who has to start working after years of being a homemaker. an ah ma who has been working in the same place for decades, and still has to, even though the wages have probably stagnated while everywhere around us inflation is taking its toll. the malaysian whos here because of the better pay. oh and of course. our supervisor person, cai xia, whom i dont really know anything about. except that when shes doing the closing shift, you can all expect to go home early. when she isnt there, we're all like, struggling to make 10.30. yup, dunno what she does, but shes that good.
twice a week i go teach this p6 student who has very obviously fallen through the cracks in our wonderful education system. when i got there for the first time, i thought that she was in primary four because of her standard of english. her teacher writes things like "do your work properly" on her homework because of the number of mistakes. but she does try what. for the grammar she checks the dictionary. oh man. checks the dictionary can. for grammar. thats more than i ever did for my pathetic chinese. anyways. cant really expect her to do the same for the other sections when even the grammar section is such a pain. and when reading the textbook workbook comprehension passage makes little sense. where will she be in five years time? ten? for the rest of her life?
NB. yes and im such a bitch for even charging to teach her right. especially when theirs is a single-income family whose breadwinner works at subway.
at night i sleep in a nice relatively-spacious-compared-to-new-condos condo. with security guards and a pool and a gym and where majority of the people here are car owners. and in the daytime i make my way to school, together with many others who have "made it" to the big u. oh yeah, the lectures are pretty cool sometimes, tutorials havent started yet. in my faculty, people here are more dressing conscious, some people say that we're the kind who know all the mambo moves and stuff. although i guess its just the more high profile of us. anyhow, its a rather sanitized environment i wake up to on weekdays. here, we might be resigned to the idea that hey, amongst uni grads in general, our prospects perhaps relatively duller. but hey. at least we wont be part of the working class. or will we? depends on definition? at the very least, we'll be earning the median income? pretty please?
my dad would say that well, you gotta help yourself before you can help others. thats always one of his so-called motivational idiom thingamagigs to make me work harder. which as you can probably tell, doesnt always work. the thing about helping yourself before you can help others is that when you "make it" out of school and eventually "make it" in the workplace, how do you know where that "make it" line is? wont we as human beings always want more? and anyways, when you have "made it" in the particular niche that you have carved out for yourself, chances are you'd already have lost touch with those you originally intended to help. maybe just like my dad. you know, being in the upper echelons of business management, is quite happy with some of the pro-business policies made by the government. but some of the issues that are unfavourable to the common man just dont figure on his plate. its not that he doesnt care, (at least i dont think so), the issues just dont register on the radar. just like our wonderful gahmen sometimes. although there are the exceptions, of course.
so by making my way to clementi every weekday, i work towards getting that enviable paper saying that i should be paid more money. i perpetuate the very system i profess to dislike. because i need to afford the lifestyle i am living, i make use of what i feel is an unfair privilege given to me. the privilege of being born to parents better off, the privilege of going to good schools, the privilege of not having to worry about finances, and so on.
but what's one to do? quit school and live la vie boheme?
12:53 pm
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
hahaha. this is damn funny. i never read the p65 blog. you know, the one where pap members of parliament blog and stuff. but today i kinda deviated and guess what. lam pin min was talking about the foreign workers and stuff, on like jan 9, after the blogosphere started talking about the issue in december. its really funny cos one guy started his comment say "I am happy that this matter has caught your attention." not just that, after he asked about what lpm is doing himself, and what the government is doing about it, guess what reply he got.
Thanks for the invaluable comments. The points are well taken.
classic.
12:54 am
Monday, January 19, 2009
The kind who tells you she's bipolar just to make you trust her.
DAVID TENNANT WE WILL MISS YOU. =( in the interview he asked something like: what happens to young people. because they grew up with you, youre their doctor. what happens then. man. that is so true. loved the baldy guy before him, but david tennant was truely awesome. does anyone know how to get their hands on the 2008 christmas special? return of the cybermen. wowz!
love my chemical romance's makeup, sense of drama, concept. but not necessarily their singing and lyrics. but love them anyways. aweshum. haha but check out this video. damn funny lah. gerard does this grabbing face thingy as part of the emoting (is there such a word?) but he cant go all the way and really clutch at his face because it will ruin his makeup. haha. at least thats why i think hes not just going it and grabbing his face lah. hohoho. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94kqTZJnLcI&feature=related
okay but cannot compare with dresden dolls lah huh.
anyways. somebody told me today that shes going to family court and all. not saying that its a good thing in any way. but god, i love meeting new. interesting new people. they make life so... i dunno. cool? i dont wanna sound like ive this morbid fascination with this kinda stuff. or do i. yeah but i dont really like making friends though. hahaha. omt i should just listen to what im typing it sounds so weird. friends as in. dunno. getting close to people. ehh.
11:25 pm
oh god. clubbing now would be nice.
3:50 am
okay yes, thanks arh. my degree is useless right. with my results will end up as a teacher right. i dont have a choice what im gonna do in the future, i cant even go and pursue a "useful" masters lorh. thanks k. so useless you still pay my school fees. okay lorh. liberal arts education not good lorh. you win. you say until like that, what you want me to do? feel highly enthusiastic about the academic qualifications im supposedly earning?
you said rachel should try to get a scholarship. good lorh. she doesnt know what she wants to do. everything she applied for overseas is because you think its lucrative. but good also lah. while looking at all the modules on offer in nus she already said. she doesnt wanna choose. what a match. science all your modules also allocated right? good what. thats one of the reasons why im not even taking the psych exposure module. if i dont take the exposure module then i cant major in it what. hahaha. besides, who wants to be a shrink anyways. you just get paid to play with peoples minds, is all. if everyone who gets scholarship is like her ill just die laughing lah can. no wonder so much griping online about civil service. all the technocrats like that one.
so i should do something.. "meaningful" huh? so watching eminem online is not meaningful in any way? is the only way to do something meaningful to do something that would improve my cap? the only reason im still awake at this time is because its the only time where theres nobody else around. i rearrange my body clock around the times where everybodys off doing something else. now that rachels out of school and still out of work the only time is now lorh. i dont mind. its a win-win situation, right? im out of your way. and i get my alone-time to.. dunno. be alone? recover from being with people even? haha. yeah it sounds really.. odd. recover from being with people. i assure you, it isnt as bad as it sounds. i dont have a phobia of people. well, not really. my mother (when in one of her better moods) once said that im crazy cos i told her i studying (about) people but i dont wanna interact with them. haha yeah. thats me.
2:36 am
Saturday, January 17, 2009
haha. as part of the media writing module. i havent bothered to think about how its related to media writing yet though.
started work yesterday. ive never felt so much that my lousy chinese was a handicap. they all speak chinese. and cantonese. which i have like, zero knowledge of. my default look is like a smile and nod coupled with a blank look. which sounds quite retarded to me. it takes like a few seconds for me to understand what it is im supposed to do. or even to understand the casual conversation that they make. its quite bad. especially when not speaking good chinese (actually not speaking chinese, period) forms part of my identity. or who i am. i think. and when i say part of my identity it kinda comes with the connotations of hey, its something im proud of. yes no? although you cant really go: man, im really proud of the fact that i cant speak chinese. =( it was a really humbling experience i think. more than just the chinese thing. afterall, its kinda hard to feel very glam when youre washing trays.
2:54 pm
Friday, January 16, 2009
i really liked theonlinecitizen's feature topic this week. love it. the mistreatment of migrant workers thing. it came at a time where there wasnt much information on the issue, like no real coverage in mainstream media and stuff. for a few weeks there wasnt anything to be found, whether online and off. and then came all the articles. plus, for a few weeks there i got the feeling that articles about concrete stuff were being sidelined by the desire to be more inclusive, to encourage more people to contribute and stuff. with stuff like that article about exchange in france or something? that was totally huh? i mean, yeah, great. engage the youth. get them participating/contributing. but there was no point to it at all. and so on. so.. yeah. its a breath of fresh air.
dont they know by now that i wont curry for their favour?
9:27 pm
the thing about this family is that we're all too.. different. views, beliefs, lifestyles, whatever. during the australia trip we were all like stuck with each other nearly 24/7, in the car, in the hotel, looking at stuff. dunno why/how we ended up talking about this. i was saying if our "ideology" could be likened to governance, mine would resemble a lassez-faire government. my mother would be something like a nanny state. or fascism. my dad would be somewhat middling. but you know states. as much as they wanna govern as little as possible sometimes. they invariably end up doing things like making things state-owned in terms of crises. and so on. thats what he does. despite any and all good intentions, he ends up intervening. and more and more at that. ah wells.
8:52 pm
word has it that theres gonna be an early election this year. oh no no no. that is bad. if only theyd wait till next year. one and a half more years. then id be able to vote. as one commentor said
"vote wisely. just don’t whine and complain for another 5 years." haha yeah man totally.
8:43 pm
hahaha omg this is just like when i first watched kevin zegers years ago.
3:00 am
omg just watched dirty dancing 2. diego luna is HOTHOTHOT.
just let me bask in the psuedo-inspirationality of it all for a little while longer.
2:51 am
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
do you live in fear? or rather, live with fear? im scared, you know? scared of becoming like wee shu min. scared of elitism. scared of being ageist, feminist, not feminist, racist. scared of being protected. of not being real. safely cuccooned in this alternate reality that doesnt tally with the rest of the worlds. its so easy to breeze through the day in all its routine-ness. so easy to think that this is all there is to reality. all there is to life. what about those who fall through the cracks? what about them. what happens when we stop questioning. what happens when we forget.
anyways. that one week of work was one awesome experience. haha. not just because of the rides in the sports car though. theyre really a fun+funny bunch of people. i could really have gotten used to that lifestyle though. getting suspended in work.
anyways. school. so far not bad. went for one lecture yesterday, overslept for one today haha. not a very good start, huh. but anyways, the one i went for yesterday was coolios. we are doing richard dawkins next week! thats pretty exciting. one of church/cult people is in nus doing psych. she mentioned wanting to do this module. i sure hope i dont run into her though. it would be quite awkward.
I hope my love can blind you I hope my arms can bind you So you’ll never have to see What we’ve grown to be
One may think we’re alright But we need pills to sleep at night We need lies to make it through the day We’re not ok
11:30 am
Friday, January 09, 2009
mortimer was mortified.
1:00 am
Monday, January 05, 2009
does it scare you, who ive become? i know it scares them.
1:32 am
Sunday, January 04, 2009
ah. i remember now. the reason why the day will not be tomorrow. or at least, one of the reasons. i havent found a fuss-free method that doesnt gross me out as yet. i am sure when the time comes, i will have found other methods, or i will have acquainted myself with the gruesomeness of already known methods. till then.
11:06 pm
i guess its days like these you just sigh and think, hell yeah its all gonna end one day. or at least, i sigh and think. by its all gonna end one day, i mean in death. i have a some sorta love-hate relationship with it, i think. as much as one who doesnt know such an entity/phase can have a relationship with. i know sooner or later i will get tired of life, or life will get tired of me? and i will commit suicde. haha. yes, unlike what ive told people the top three reasons for my death are (and also the things i have to insure myself against) 1) car accident. always jaywalking. 2) liver failure. drinking. 3) cancer. eat too much microwaved food and other miscellaneous rubbish.
dont get me wrong. im not depressed. (oh of course, they never do admit it?) im just.. being practical. i know that i have a problem with commitment. and one day, i dunno. the first and final commitment will become too tenuous. why dont i just friggin do something about it right. yeah i know, its pathetic. there are people dying, there are people with far bigger problems out there. and here you are griping about what. why youre pro-feminist. why youre anti-feminist. why you buy into the subjugation of half of humankind for your transient pleasures. which are.. i dunno. are they pleasures? why you are racist. why you are ageist. why you discriminate. why you perpetuate the very system you profess to dislike/hate. why you can no longer appreciate what is beautiful, or simple. why you scorn the mass-produced, the ordinary, the things of everybody, yet unable to summon up the determination/will to pursue the extraordinary, and so end up learning to live with and even like the ordinary. and why youre obsessed with all this in the first place.
god its pathetic. do you see why i cant live with myself sometimes? haha. its alright, if theres anyone reading this. this is like, totally not a suicide note. i started writing those two months ago. decided to finally do something concrete. but havent finished them yet. barely started, in fact. its a very tiring business. it may be tomorrow (highly unlikely), it may be in a year, or a few decades. i dunno. very little anyone can do to change that. perhaps maybe a shrink. but god. i really have an aversion to them and their darn mind games. hmm. not that ive seen very many though but oh well. bad enough. maybe thats why i wont study pysch? ha. but try telling that to my dad. hed never see why.
once again, this is not a suicide letter. and it certainly isnt a "cry for help". life can verily go on as it has. im just.. letting people know early so they wont be surprised when it happens. although i certainly will laugh if anyone goes before i do, intentionally or not. bitterly or not, i will really laugh if that happens. not at the funeral though, that would be bad taste.
9:56 pm
Thursday, January 01, 2009
shit. i missed first round of bidding by like, 45 mins. damn pissed with myself.
5:39 pm
gail.
loves anything new
gets caught up in causes, events, loves
but doesn't do anything about them.
professes to be a supporter of the green movement
but leaves the lights on
disapproves of mcdonalds
but eats there anyways.
godwise, the jury's still out.
schoolwise, fass rocks my socks
but why do i have like a ton of work to do?
familywise, i guess theyre/its great
we just need to figure out what to do around each other?
freindswise, hey you guys are awesome.
blogwise, realises that the profile section is crappy
but doesn't know how else to fill up the space.