Bonjour. Si vous voulons me chercher, vous ĂȘtes venu au faux endroit.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
talking to qi yesterday realised something. i dont have a like long-term goal/vision. im just.. waiting waiting waiting.... all my goals are short-term. and this morning when i woke up it was with a realisation of why. i didnt/dont expect myself to last till then. and i guess thats really sad/pathetic. my expected lifespan is stopping me from i guess, achieving what can be. its one thing to have others give up on you but totally another to give up on yourself. yeah. ill try to get outta this with or without help (from shrinks).
12:10 pm
Sunday, March 29, 2009
shit. my tooth is getting seriously chipped. should stop playing with the darn thing.
I have just finished reading Malcolm Gladwell's outliers. It is an intriguing book that asserts that a person's environment is a very significant factor in determining future success. The most intriguing idea he has is that minor advantages that are conferred by blind chance are amplified by so-called meritocratic systems.
He gives the example of Canadian Junior Hockey League. Canada is a country that is crazy over ice hockey. Every year, young boys try out for junior hockey league and if they are good enough, they progress on to the next level and so on. This keeps going until they reach the professional league, if they are good enough. Those who are less successful drop out along the way. On the surface, this seems like a meritocratic system based on ability except for a startling fact. Most of the professional players are born near the beginning of the year. If you look at the birthdays of the professional players, very few are born in December.
Why is this so? The explanation given in the book is that the junior league is organised according to age group. Those born in the same year are grouped together. On the surface, this seems fair except for the fact that a 5 year old is much bigger than a 4 year old. Yes, that's the physical difference between a child born on January 1st and another born on December 31st in the same year. The older child would be bigger, have better motor skills and be deemed as more talented by the coach.
So what happens to the 'talented' child who is spotted by the coach? He gets to play in more competitions to improve his skills while the smaller less 'talented' child gets sidelined. This extra exposure and training widens the advantages the older child already has and it keeps doing so over time. So you have a system that doesn't reward innate ability but blind chance.
I see this happening in our education system as well. Let us look at the gifted program in Singapore. It is a program administered towards primary school children deemed gifted by the ministry of education. How do they find these gifted children? They administer a Maths and English test to all primary school children to weed them out from the 'normals'.
This test is flawed because not all children are given the same outside advantages. Some are from lower income family. Some are born in December... There are just so many outside factors that would prevent one from doing well. This test is flawed, it doesn't test talent. It is too early to do so. At best, it test precociousness. At worst, it tests a child's personal fortune.
So what happens to the gifted child? He gets more opportunities compared to the normal child. Firstly, the government spends more money on his education, I have heard from some sources that it is about 7 times the amount spent on a normal student. He gets more encouragement to explore his interest, speak up and becomes more aware of the opportunities available to him.
In contrast, a normal child is discouraged from questioning his teacher and made to study in a less stimulating environment. So whatever advantages that were conferred by blind chance becomes amplified by the education system over the years.
It is not just the GEP program. Whenever there is streaming, there would be similar problems. We would also see this in the streaming of Special, Express, Normal and Normal Technical students.
That is why most of our scholars live in private property and I wouldn't be surprised if most of them were born in the first half of the year. It would be fine if the damage done by our meritocratic system is limited to our education system. This misguided practice is carried on to the civil service and statuary boards where you have government scholars sent to the top (by the system) and eventually becoming our political masters.
The sad thing about our meritocratic system is that it produces people who feel that they got to the top based on their ability. This assumes that one's academic ability translates to an ability to govern. It is obviously flawed and the reason for the arrogance we see in our leaders.
Even sadder, those who need the help the most are given less help than those who need it the least.
For a country that says it values talent, it sure knows how to squander it.
sigh. does anyone see now why i feel guilty for even making it to uni? yeah i know its no reason/excuse to do badly. and the idea that yeahyeah, you know, you can work hard, when you "succeed" then you can do something to help others not the other way round, doesnt stop the dice of life from sucking. because yes its true. you can see the contrast in the lives of people around you. friends who think that they made it (and probably will make it to the upper echelons of goodness knows where) because of sheer hard work and determination, oh and perhaps a sprinkling of talent here and there. and well.. friends whose chances of making it to the higher rungs of whatever theyre climbing because of.. perhaps life chances? the 20 year colleague of mine is certainly not stupid. why then is she not in your place, or mine? life chances?
maybe there should be some statistic thingy done. you know, like average household income, how many breadwinners, etc of students in uni and compare it with countrywide (nearly said nationwide but then.. hmm. never mind. i wont do the state's nation building (state building?) job for them) in my last ps2249 tutorial this week, the tutor brought up a really interesting point which really surprised me. he never struck me as.. you know. one to go outside the prescribed questions to talk about for the week.
we were talking about the electoral system in singapore, and about the grcs, and the racial quota thingos. how here, its called quota. he compared this to the us' education dunno what. where they help minorities get into unis. theres a minimum, but no maximum no of minorities. whereas here, the floor functions as the ceiling as well. i know cannot really compare lah, but just drawing parallels i guess. maybe there should be something of the sort. if we really hold true to the claim that we are a multiracial nation, then any committee (or a committee by any other name) thats set up to specifically look into improving educational prospects shouldnt go by race any more. perhaps it should go by income, or something like that. okay. maybe not committee. maybe the right word is scheme. hahaha. *thinks of the episode of mrbrownshow* its damn farnee lah. as well as super retarded.
oh god. i just got hit by a big dream/idea. omgomgomg. but first i have to become a teacher. *squirms* according to the book right, to become really good at something, you first have to spend 10 000 hours practising it. and for the big dream, i suppose that includes teaching. i dont even know whether its feasible or not. does it go against any.. i dunno. anything?
4:54 am
Sunday, March 22, 2009
this is the most asinine blogpost ive read in a long time. maybe make that ever.
12:53 am
Friday, March 20, 2009
oh godd.
5:17 pm
Monday, March 16, 2009
escapisms the name of the game.
come on, why cant you face it.
(haha err, like a man?)
3:50 pm
escapisms the name of the game.
come on, why cant you face it.
(haha err, like a man?)
3:50 pm
im starting to have this really grudging respect for my father. i have no idea how he managed to work, im not sure if two jobs, but he worked, and still managed to emerge tops in the whole business school. not just his major leh. like omg. here i am, taking one module less than normal in a pretty slack faculty to begin with, and im dying. like. dying. oh god. seriously peifu lah can. and hence comes the realisation that when he says that im "softer" or "weaker", i cannot disagree without lying. which.. sucks. i dont go about doing anything with a grim determination. hell, with any kind of determination. and self-control is almost like, nonexistant? i spent twenty bucks on second hand books today. i had 75 bucks for the rest of the month. now i have like.. thirty? that would never have happened to him. well..
12:44 am
Friday, March 13, 2009
reading this, i had to take a couple of seconds to reflect uipon what exactly it is im looking for when i say/think things like god doesnt exist. i mean, what exactly is it that im wanting/expecting to hear when im so-called waiting for gods voice. something like i love you, child? its okay? i dunno. but i resent that. like wth? yeah life isnt what youd call a piece or cake sometimes. you might even say it sucks or whatever. but why do i frigging need a god to tell me that its alright. and who says i need saving by you anyways? okay lah, i admit that the above what mainly talking about the abrahamic god. hahaha. you know right they always seem to have some evangalical event going every now and then nus nus. like this is week is islamic awareness week or something? i picked up two books from the buddhist one. ive come to the conclusion thqt the buddhist philosophy is a noble one, but i just cant be bothered to follow it. ( i didnt actually finish them heh) its just too.. good. like wth? life would be boring? anyways. that day i stepped over this use ant trail, and i couldnt help but think. what if our god-man relationship were like that of ant to human? what then? does it scare you that you, pathetic man, aint the centre of the universe? that god has the ability to block out the sun, to feed you with ant poison, or to pour a bucket of water on top of your head if it strikes his fantasy? personally, id rather that theres no god to the uncaring god.
every week when i come back from my off-day, im just struck by the culture shock. the whole upper-middle classedness of life outside work is so happily revolving around itself. the halpeople so happily going about their fun-creating activities. the rest of school is a world away from work. my room itself is a room away from the world. then during the week things start to revolve around work, rather than school, especially when you take a look at my timetable and compare with my work schedule. qiyi, i totally get what you mean man.
the other day i had this really cool talk/debate with cla. i love how we have these once in a super long time. i came to see how the great thinkers have such differing views. im leaning more towards tylor while cla is more i dunno.. frazer? im not very sure. anyways. i didnt know i had such anthropological leanings. its like: yeah sure, based on theory and thought experiments its possible to come up with ways to help people and stuff. but it will never beat actually living the life in terms of allowing you to think of how to solve certain problems.
speaking of this, ive come to realise something very annoying about my own worldview. that im really actually quite ethnocentric. and im totally guilty of exoticizing different cultures. yeah. that especially. the reason why i want to travel and stuff is like: wooow. oh coool. look how different and how cool they are. i mean yeah, its awesome that it exites me. but eww. god. the whole exoticizing other cultures is so.. condescending. like the world missions society church of god "cult", the workplace, other countries that ive visited, people from other schools/upbringing/background, people in singapore from other countries. ya. you kinda get the idea. its horrible la can.
anyways. watched two harry potter movies in the past 48 hours. i completely forgot how i came to be in love with jk rowlings creations, and by extension all things fantastical. the whole magical escapism thingy. omg and a second hand book fair thingthing just arrived at bukit panjang plaza! oh no, the temptation. =( am attempting to spend an average of $2.50 a day leh. but its been so long since my eyes feasted on fiction. i tell you arh. its really been too long. yarh. like you know its reallyreally too long when your fingers no longer itch and ache to do something. sighs. oh wells. life is long. lets just see where everything goes huh. =(
ps. im finally learning teensy little bits of cantonese. something ji lei ma means i miss you. hahaha. omg OH YEAH. did you know that theres this baker who really likes to flirt? tsktsk.
1:27 am
Monday, March 09, 2009
this is totally rocking hot. seriously, i think you cant just listen to dresden dolls. you must see them live. one day im totally going to. it was so funny lah can. they were totally going crazy there then she went and threw in the opening of coin operated boy. hahahar. coolios.
wearing the dunno-what-quality tongue stud from queensway. i was like talking talking at work then the ball bearing dropped out and went dunno where lah can. this ones bigger and im scared to play with it or bite it or anything cos its black. then the paint when i bought it can see is like not very even one. i scared arh, use china paint or anything, sure will swallow one. then err.. dunno if got any effects or not heh.
10:04 am
Friday, March 06, 2009
oh dear. if my sister does well in the A level results released today, ill really be immortalised as "the bad one" in the family haha. that kinda sucks.
buttttt. i hope she does well larh. she deserves it.
3:21 pm
damn. im gonna have to miss the guest lecture on asean to finish the essay. =(
i find my procrastination quite horrible sometimes. yeah well, sometimes.
1:13 pm
wah, essay, chiongah.
12:51 pm
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
marx, marx, why must you do such things to our heads =( i am not content but i dont know what to do about it either. revolution, revolution! im more content with the sofa or the bed alrighty? now shut up and get out of my head.
you know its getting bad when you realise that all youre waiting for is the next high.
come on gail, get off that ass.
1:29 am
Monday, March 02, 2009
hmmm.
-tattoo artist. hahaha. omg ill screw up other peoples skin! scaree. -teacher. yeah well, i guess this was always on the cards. what with joining fass and all. it would be pretty cool i guess. until the exam stress sets in. -wedding planner. haha. dunno who was joking about it when i mentioned it before. cos im like cynical about marriage and all. i mean yeah well, i wouldnt exactly be smirking and thinking "hmm, wonder how long theyll last" while the happy couple goes walking down the aisle right. or would i. -social escort. hmm. no figure huh. -tourist guide. must be damn high and enthu all the time. and about.. singapore? oooh lookie here. thats the merlion! a national pseudo-icon that we all can identify with. because well.. its a fish-lion thingy! and it spouts water! whoo hoo! -reporter. i must admit, the whole idea of being paid to discover how things really are is quite an attractive one. thanks to the guest lecturer in nm2220. but then hor.. i have some qualms about joining sph leh. and.. if you wanna go into journalism, i really dont think fass cnm department is really the best place to learn how to do it. somehow having people who only produce content for singapore, and get their journalism skills from sph's inhouse school making up most of the faculty, and having everything micro-graded turns me off. -professional blogger. hahaha. what can i write that thousands of people wanna read. go the way of xiaxue?! *blinkblink* -entrepreneur. YAH. OF COURSE I WANT LAH. but easier said than done. 1) no money 2) still waiting for the big idea to happen. -property agent. not 21 yet. and im not sure if i have to gift of the gab. this is no small deal k. its asking people to part with their super hard earned savings. and to take on a loan that will probably take them most of their working lives to repay. =( very jia lat one leh. although if successful can make big bucks lah. -speaking about big bucks. one of those financial dunno-what people. yesh. this would be really the whole aiming for the highest echelons of capitalism thingy. which is.. i dunno. nice in its own way i guess. but, i guess i kinda already missed the boat for this one cos you must go to business school? but i must admit, it sounds pretty interesting. even on a like, leisurely basis. ive been reading about forex and furtures and stocks and stuff. am still super blur about all these. but one day. yes. when i have at least a few hundred spare ill go try it out and hope i dont get burnt. =/ (my dad would say im being stupid)
yah. so like that lorh. how how how.
3:25 pm
i am having real trouble deciding what to do for the next half a decade. hmm. although its sorta partially decided for me already. do this degree thing. see what happens next. ive decided that theres no point trying to plan for the long term. afterall, i know ill change my mind anyways. so.. yeah. although i did try to make a mini concession to planning for the future. i took up a savings plan with an insurance company. like hahaha. omg, wow gail. can you really afford to do that right now? yeah. thirty plus per month for 25 years.TWENTY FIVE LONG YEARS, YOU!can you actually count? how many months is that! yeah. i figured if i dont start saving now, i never ever will. which is like, true lah. yeah. besides, if that suicide thingy really does work out within this period, therell be a payout which goes to my parents as well. so thats a good thing i guess. after twenty five years i dont intend to be stuck with a desk job. no waysh. something more exciting please. haha or.. something ultra boring but brings in the moolah. which brings me back to: what the hell am i going to do? i have two more years of attending lectures and tutorials, writing essays. actually i dont quite mind the lectures and tutorials. the essays. oh god. how they kill all inspiration. they actually do give quite interesting topics to write about. but.. faced with this thing that says. here. write about this. by when. or else. interest deadens quite quickly.
anyways. yes. what am i going to do? right now i dont care about the whole "rest of my life". i dont even know the here and now. i dont even know what i want. this sucks.
3:09 pm
Sunday, March 01, 2009
i love those magic moments when music and movement come together. haha, totally overdoing the alliteration. the familiarity really rocks. and how we can dirty dance while keeping it totally platonic. it would have been perfect with maybe two shots in the middle of the night (tired) but yeah. haha can enshrine it with the best night out in a damn long time.
anyways, looking through the programme for the nusso concert i felt a sense of.. loss? so exciting k, it would have been really cool to play those thingthings. =( i guess.. win some lose some? i wonder if what ive gained is worth giving up these things though. i dont even listen to music any more. haha unless 987 when im washing trays counts. not.
i dont know how im gonna go back to lectures and tutorials tomorrow. and the writing of overdue essays.
1:31 pm
gail.
loves anything new
gets caught up in causes, events, loves
but doesn't do anything about them.
professes to be a supporter of the green movement
but leaves the lights on
disapproves of mcdonalds
but eats there anyways.
godwise, the jury's still out.
schoolwise, fass rocks my socks
but why do i have like a ton of work to do?
familywise, i guess theyre/its great
we just need to figure out what to do around each other?
freindswise, hey you guys are awesome.
blogwise, realises that the profile section is crappy
but doesn't know how else to fill up the space.