Bonjour. Si vous voulons me chercher, vous ĂȘtes venu au faux endroit.
Monday, May 04, 2009
today my dad gave me a lift back from work. again. after buying me supper he gave me four hundred bucks. again. he technically gave me already for may in the last week of april. which was more than he gave me each month after i moved out. i know, i know. what the hell is the point of moving out and then still accepting money from your parents?! but if youre faced with eating hostel breakfast, going hungry the whole day and koping bread from work at night. or maybe treating yourself to lunch in school. or the option of accepting the money and live comfortably. damn. im sorry to say i took a dent in my pride and whatever else that came with it, and took the money. because, seriously. i tried okay. i tried this period of time to live on less than three bucks a day. which is possible, technically. cai fan with two veg one meat is only $2.20 in nus. my colleagues thought i was weird, suddenly eating so much bread. but its so fucking hard, do you know that? people reading this on your computers. do you have any idea how hard it is to live in poverty? god, i dont even want to imagine what it must be like to be born poor. to not have a choice. to go hungry for months on end.
i cant believe how easy it is for us to just simply go about our daily lives, oblivious to the hardship that other people face. cla, if youre reading this, its as much for you as for anyone else. remember that long talk we had, about helping people and stuff, in your room? no, its not necessary to go through what they go through in order to help them. yes, its possible to make a difference of the less fortunate without having to experience what it is like to be less fortunate. because you (and i) will never know the systemic problems that these people face. yes, it looks damn good on paper. i can technically survive on three bucks a day but why the hell dont i? because its too damn hard. i suppose there are people who actually manage this in singapore but i guess im not one of them. so whenever i hear things like dunno what government assistance handout thingthing has been raised by such and such little and they make it sound like WOW OMG. THAT IS LIKE SUCH A DAMN LOT OF DIFFERENCE. WE'RE DIGGING REALLY DEEP INTO THE COFFERS HERE. i think like, wth. yeah sure. you can technically survive on that help. but technically isnt gonna help get you through today to tomorrow. technically isnt going to tide you over unseen costs. technically isnt gonna let you eat comfortable meals. technically is what you get when people who dont know what its like try to imagine what its like and obviously having no experience at all in the matter, fall terribly short because all the experience they have is from balancing budgets and we sure dont want want any budget deficit, do we?
anyways. there are people who pretend to understand this whole work-study thing. and then there are people who really do understand. and then theres my dad. who not only understands, hes managed to do it successfully. but has never once said before: its okay, i understand. but he does things like give me money. and gave me maggi mee. you dont freaking know how welcome maggi mee is until youve tried eating and eating it until youre so sick of the taste because your pay hasnt come in yet and you spurged on like, mcdonalds during the week. or a cab ride cos you were gonna be late. or paying your library fine from last year if not you cant do any of your readings. and its time like this when i feel like im doing such a freaking loser job of being a good daughter. yeah i know i act like i dont care. i pretend to myself i dont care. hell, sometimes doublethink is so successful i really believe i dont care. but it sucks that im not what they wanted me to be, alright? it sucks that im not a freaking guai gia. and its times like this that i get the feeling i used to get occassionally during discover jesus week in school (see, religion as according to durkheim, performs certain functions and can eventually be replaced with secular things which perform the same functions). like omg. im forgiven. omg, i dont deserve this. omg somebody loves me unconditionally. and so on. (haha thats why i never trust these so-called religious urges when they hit.) anyways. so, yeah.
11:27 pm
omg. looking at videos on the eogm, i cannot help but feel damn super excited. like. this, is singapore?!? although i do feel rather sorry for them. it must have been a hell of a day for the so-called old guard.
1:52 am
Sunday, May 03, 2009
I AM REALLY PROUD OF WHAT HAPPENED TODAY AT SUNTEC. it was a pity i couldnt be there, but apparently the aware eogm was pretty intense. i suppose it goes to show that singaporeans do care about certain things after all. who says apathy runs in all of us? and that given large enough numbers and the right conditions, there is hope for us in terms of becoming a participative civic society. even to the extent of holding peaceful protests and all. just give us the right situation, pap. no more one-party dominance! (hopefully in my lifetime though)
anyways. there are friends, and there are friends. some ask you out to club. others ask you out to study. and then there are those who msg you "gail! want to club tonight?" and then when you call them after work and ask them if theyre really clubbing tonight, they say of course! can you hear the music in the background? and nono. go and study. like, wth? i feel like laughing at the absurdity of it all, but then i remember my clubbing craving that hasnt been sated and its not all that funny after all. i guess im grateful in a way. if he hadnt said go and study id have gone sth like: omg where are you! and cabbed all the way down to change and cabbed to wherever again, sorta regretting it half the way, had an awesome time for a couple of hours, and then sorta regretting it again the next day. but damn. whats with the: yeah, cant you hear the music? *pout*
1:55 am
Saturday, May 02, 2009
omg. evanescence is so good at being goth-influenced without going too deep into that stuff. lurves.
10:24 am
gail.
loves anything new
gets caught up in causes, events, loves
but doesn't do anything about them.
professes to be a supporter of the green movement
but leaves the lights on
disapproves of mcdonalds
but eats there anyways.
godwise, the jury's still out.
schoolwise, fass rocks my socks
but why do i have like a ton of work to do?
familywise, i guess theyre/its great
we just need to figure out what to do around each other?
freindswise, hey you guys are awesome.
blogwise, realises that the profile section is crappy
but doesn't know how else to fill up the space.